Dear Younger Sam,

Put down that bag of cheez-its. Really, put it down. You’re not hungry. You’re just bored. Your body has absolutely no need for an extra 220 calories right now. And don’t try to sneak it out of the kitchen. I can still see you doing it. And if you plan to throw out the bag or put it next to your bed so no one sees it, don’t think that just because you hid the evidence, it never happened. It did. You ate that bag of cheez-its.

Oh, and don’t even think about drinking that soda now. You just had cheez-its! Do you know how much sodium is in soda? Do you know that it can bloat you? Yeah, I know it says ‘diet’ and I know it has 0 calories, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s gross and bad for you! Try drinking water. You’ll like it. In fact, you’ll love it. Poland Springs water bottles? You’ll be obsessed. I promise.

Now you’re debating going through a McDonalds drive thru. Stop. Stop right now. I don’t care if you are in 3rd grade and you need to get a teenie beanie baby because everyone else is getting them. I don’t care if you are in high school and have no time to go home and eat before practice. Have your mom pack you a salad or go to Subway. Fast food is not the only option. I don’t care if you have the drunk munchies and need to go in the Wendy’s drive thru because it’s open late. Wait until you get home… or get a small fry and then work out the next day. Fast food is not your friend.

And now we’re right back where we started… you’re bored. But that doesn’t mean you have to raid the kitchen cabinets. Perhaps you should invest in a hobby. Reading? No. We hate reading. Running? Maybe. You will (kind of) like it one day. But let’s be serious – even when you are busy you eat. So really, just start counting calories. And older younger Sam – when you do start counting calories, stick to it but don’t obsess. And remember – alcohol and late night snacks with friends have calories too.

Oh, and eating one meal a day isn’t a diet. So I’ll rephrase my point: Don’t stop eating. Just eat right. You’ll feel better. You’ll look better. And things will be different. I swear!


Older (but not old) Sam


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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