It’s summer, which means a lot of us are splitting our time 50/50 between being drunk and hungover. Maybe a little more of the former, depending on how important your job is to you.
For every great night out, there is an equally horrendous morning after. I’m pretty sure that’s what Newton was talking about – for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. As in, if you have six half-price margaritas on Friday night, you will feel the power of six margaritas making you want to hurl the next morning. What goes up must come down – or in this case, what goes in must come out. It’s science.
There is no way to predict or cure a hangover – it’s a sad and inevitable part of our lives from the moment we discover alcohol until someone discovers a way to stop this hell. But seriously, why is this not a higher priority for the great minds of our world?
Here are the eight kinds of hangovers you’ll suffer through in your 20s:
1. The ‘I think this is a hangover?’ hangover
Ah, youth – the days of drinking colorful pre-mixed bottles concealed in our jackets and handbags in the back of our parents’ cars. We would all wake up the next day complaining about our sore heads, how WILD last night was, how ill we were – except we’d hardly managed to smuggle enough alcohol to get even a little buzzed and we all felt totally fine the next day. It just seemed to be what we were meant to do.
2. Baby’s First Hangover
And then one day, it hits. I think everyone gets a certain amount of hangover-free drunken nights and then once that quota has been fulfilled, the real world hits you like a ton of beer-shaped bricks. The pounding head, spinning rooms, the never ending hunger combined with a stomach that rejects anything solid. Nothing will ever be the same.
3. The ‘I’m getting too old for this shit’ hangover
We’re told that one day our hair will start to gray and we might need reading glasses, but nobody ever tells us that shortly after we hit the legal drinking age, our ability to bounce back after a night out will begin to deplete – rapidly. One day you’re drinking back to back vodka sodas and waking up to go for a jog in the morning, and the next you wake up with a headache and a heavy sense of regret after two glasses of wine.
4. The ‘I don’t deserve this’ hangover
The very worst kind. You might have only had a couple of beers, but for SOME reason your body is straight up rejecting alcohol. Maybe you have a mild flu, or you haven’t drank water in a week, or you’re really tired, but you wake up with a hangover for absolutely no apparent reason. What the fuck? What kind of cruel, unusual punishment is this? For what crime?
5. The ‘I totally deserve this’ hangover
And the best kind! Waking up after a huge night out with friends, sharing the same relentless pain – it kind of brings you all together. All curled in the fetal position on someone’s bed or floor, arguing over who’s going to go get food and piecing together the puzzle pieces of the night. Bonding at its finest.
6. The Emotional Hangover
I’m not an emotional person. I didn’t cry in Titanic and my own mother has used the phrase ‘dead inside’ to describe me. Yet somehow, after five nights away at a music festival last week, I found myself reduced to tears by the following:
-A photo of a proposal during Coldplay’s set at said music festival.
-A video of a police officer proposing to his partner during London Pride.
-Not being able to find matching socks.
Blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol.
7. The hibernation hangover
The outside world is just not in the cards today, there are far too many people and noises out there. First you’ll eat like you’re not going to leave your cave (bed) until spring (dinner time) and then you’ll retreat to the comfort of your duvet. You have Netflix, water, food and most importantly, no other people. Learn from the bears. They know what’s up.
8. The miracle hangover
I.e. no hangover. Some mornings you’ll wake up bracing yourself for the worst, armed with enough water and Panadol for an army (albeit a strange, raving army) and instead of the expected wave of nausea, you’re smacked in the face with some really good karma. Every now and then a higher power will reach down from the heavens and take pity on our drunken, dancing selves, bestowing on us the gift of a hangover-free morning. Praise the Lord.