Facebook Babies: An Epidemic

Upon request of a reader, the sequel to the problem of Facebook Relationships

It’s scary enough that people my age are having children (planned children, anyway), but having to see it on my newsfeed every day without fail is downright TERRIFYING. I understand that I’m twenty-four and that it’s okay for people who are twenty-four to get married and have babies. I get it. But I’m still in school (for a few more weeks), and this freaks me out to no end, for multiple reasons.

1. People my age are having babies. What the frack is this about? And who keeps allowing this to happen?
2. I honestly just don’t like kids (with the exception of a select few). That video of your two-year-old singing “Let it Go” is adorable for about five seconds the first time. After those five seconds, and every subsequent video posted, it’s just annoying. Just stop.
3. WHY DO YOU PEOPLE WANT PICTURES OF YOUR CHILDREN ALL OVER THE INTERNET?! Seriously, with all the creepers and jeepers in this world, I wouldn’t be posting ANY pictures or videos of my children anywhere. It’s weird. Maybe I’m just a paranoid nutcase. It’s a possibility.
4. People who live vicariously through their kids. It’s like the virtual version of those insane parents in the baseball bleachers. No one likes that, except other people who do the same thing.
5. Posting every milestone your child has from the day of birth until they are embarrassed by your social media presence.  “First smile!” “Little Johhny started walking today!” Ugh. The over-sharing. It’s like they start out with their relationships, move on to engagements, then weddings, then their kids. The oversharers of the world are out of control and must be stopped!
6. AND THERE IS ALWAYS A PICTURE. And usually a video. For every update, there is a picture, a picture collage, a video, or some well-put-together montage of pictures and videos. Seriously, people? Your baby is cute. All babies are cute. We get it. We know. I’m going to start advocating for a “remove baby updates” filter for my newsfeed.

In short, it all goes back to the statement I made in my article about Facebook relationships: No one cares. The people who do care, you’re probably going to show and tell in person, anyway. Facebook is not the place for Baby’s First year albums. Someday, if for some absurd reason I have children, they will not take over newsfeeds across the map. It’s all so unnecessary. In the meantime, I will continue to fill your newsfeeds with pictures and videos of my fur child, because she’s a dog and I might be slightly hypocritical.