The show opens with the old credits, which feels right because I watch Full House literally every night for 1-2 hours on Nickelodeon. I am 27.
Just like the original, there are LOTS of laugh tracks right away reminding me that is still a sitcom and it is forcing me to find it funny. I will now add that I hate sitcoms with laugh tracks. Except Seinfeld, but that’s only because I am Jewish and therefore am forced to like Seinfeld no matter what.
The original cast members enter the opening scene one by one, and the applause track gets louder each time. First we have Danny. Then Jesse. Then Joey. Elvis and Bullwinkle jokes happen and Danny giggles in a corner — and I’m not sure if it’s because he knows kids watching this will have no idea who Elvis and Bullwinkle are OR if it’s because he’s screaming FML inside because that Lifetime documentary movie said he never wanted to star in Full House in the first place. Or maybe he’s just thinking about his dirty jokes because that man is one dirty mother f*cker.
Next, Becky strolls in and I start to feel uncomfortable and aroused because the sexual tension between John Stamos and Lori Laughlin IRL is out of this world. Can they please just get together? I am going to bring up the Lifetime documentary again because it said they always wanted to be together. Well, because I assume everything on Lifetime is a fact, I’m going to ask them to PLEASE GET MARRIED now thanks.
DJ enters next to more applause than anyone else, which I believe was rigged by the technicians because she’s the star of this show and they want us to feel like we are more excited to see her than the others. And while I am excited to see Candace Cameron Bure (my boyfriend more because he thinks she is super hot), I was much more excited to see John Stamos. I bet Candace is more excited to see Stamos than herself on TV too though. So let’s all stop kidding ourselves. John Stamos for president.
Stephanie walks in next with some awful, faux british accent that continues on for way too long. She also gets a massive group hug from everyone because she’s been away DJ-ing in London because she is, like, a Samantha Ronson or something. What’s going to come next from this story line? Did she date Lindsay Lohan in 2007?
Then, the most awkward part of the show happens. Stephanie asks where Michelle is and Danny says she’s busy running a fashion empire in New York City. The whole cast then pauses and stares into the camera for what was the longest and most uncomfortable 10 seconds of my life (and that says a lot – because I take barre classes and 10 seconds is a LONG time during that). This moment will only further Mary Kate’s and Ashley’s desire to NOT go anywhere near this show… although John Stamos is near it, so if I were them I would run to there immediately, but whatever. Those girls CANNOT act and are much better at fashion, so at least they’re admitting it. (I <3 Elizabeth and James)
Some other things we learn in this scene:
– Joey is 55-ish. Help.
– Becky’s and Jesse’s twins can’t act. And they are kind of awful.
– Joey works in Vegas because of course.
– Becky and Danny got their own nationally syndicated TV show in LA and are moving there.
– Jesse is of course heading to LA with them too, as a still starving/working artist who’s dreams never really came true. Sigh.
– Kimmy is an event planner who we would never hire because she looks like she walked right out of the 90s. She did.
– Stephanie’s DJ name is DJ Tanner, which made me lol.
– The Tanners are hardcore democrats, which I never knew, as DJ’s child makes two Donald Trump jokes.
The rest of the show is a mix between an ode to the past and a look towards the future. We learn that DJ’s husband was a firefighter and died on the job. RIP. DJ Tanner – we mean Stephanie – has no interest in settling down and wants to travel the world. I believe she is supposed to the ‘Uncle Jesse’ of 2016. Danny has a super hot lady friend, which seems very much Bob Saget’s speed.
Because everyone is leaving San Francisco, except DJ and her 3 boys, they throw a going away party at the iconic Tanner home. This is the last time the family will all be together in the house, as it is currently on the market and DJ is looking for a new home in the area, which lol — nothing is affordable in San Francisco so good luck.
During the party, we meet Kimmy’s daughter, who is a replica of the girl in Girl Meets World but we won’t go there right now. We also meet her ex husband, Fernando who seems like he could give us some chuckles if he comes on the show again. He tells us that Kimmy is great in bed, and I’m not surprised. She was always a freak. I mean, remember when Uncle Jesse pictured his life with her in his horrible dream about his future self in the 90s. EEK, thank god that didn’t happen.
We also meet this old dude that strolls into the party late. Okay, this is not just any old dude — it is Steve. But he could have had me fooled as he is now skinny and well-dressed with what I think were some died gray hairs (at least he still has hair I guess). At first I thought Steve was now gay and was going to be DJ’s new gay best friend, especially after he followed a plate of ‘small weenies’ into the kitchen. However, we learn RIGHT AWAY that Steve wants on DJ. Like, onnnnnnnnn, right now. He also brings up prom at one point. Like who is this dude? An annoying hasbeen? I’m sorry but this is not the Steve I knew and loved (cough Aladdin cough). Steve is definitely that kid who you crushed hard on in high school and then didn’t understand why as soon as you turned 23. He is also a divorced podiatrist. Ugh.
There is of course a lot of singing and dancing at this party. First, DJ Tanner/Stephanie puts on New Kids on the Block and they all do the dance, including Kimmy’s daughter. I don’t even know that dance. But that’s because I’m not as old as I thought and New Kids was before my time, so at that moment I felt pretty good.
Jesse of course breaks out into his hit from 1992, ‘Forever,’ with what I’m pretty sure were the Beach Boys casually strumming their instruments in the living room.
At the end of the party, Stephanie and Kimmy (and daughter) decide to move in to help DJ because girl is struggling at being a single mother. I can’t believe they were all planning to leave her alone in the first place. Wtf kind of family is this?
Anyway, this ultimately means that everyone else is going to leave San Francisco AKA not be on the show… NOOOOOOOOOOO. Danny takes the house off the market and gives it to the girls (why can’t my dad give me a house?) and FINALLY the cost of living in SF is addressed when Jesse mentions something about the house’s worth. I guess this family doesn’t care about money though because no one responds to him.
The pilot then ends in the same way that the original ‘Full House’ pilot ended. With the family circled around the baby singing the Flinstones song. This poor baby is going to grow up completely out of touch with 2016. Poor thing.
So, takeaways:
– The jokes went on too long. The British accent, the Michelle pause (still most uncomfortable moment of my life), Kimmy’s feet on the table (second most uncomfortable moment of my life).
– The child actors are much better than the child actors on ‘Full House,’ which I guess are now adult actors in ‘Fuller House.’ DJ’s middle child is fantastic.
– I’m pretty sure Kimmy’s daughter is going to date DJ’s oldest boy.
– Danny said ‘hug it out,’ which I believe was an ode to Entourage. As Ari Gold’s biggest fan, I enjoyed that.
Basically, I’ll watch more, but if I don’t see enough Stamos, I’m out.
What did you guys think?!
