It’s about to be the most wonderful time of the year again… Or at least, that’s what all the songs in the mall are saying. Truth is, buying presents for the people that we really love is hard enough.  Usually, we just cop out and give them gift cards.  But what about the people that you care about, but “love” is a little too strong?  What do you buy for the people that you just tolerate?  They deserve something special.


1. Lump of Coal—for a Little Brat


We’ve all got kids in our life somehow, whether we’ve got our own children or just have to suffer through the holidays with others’. At least these guys come up with lists for what they want, but they also have no clue what it means to be an adult with student loans, rent, and food you have to pay for. So their deepest Christmas wishes should be left to Mom and Dad; they can buy their precious Munchkins their Xbox Ones and drones.  I recommend an old, but entertaining, classic.  While you can hide under the guise of humor to other adults, the kid will get the message: “Clean up your act if you want anything better next year.”   If  you want to get a really good laugh out of it, put the card in this prank box and watch them squirm twice as much, although that might be too cruel.


2. Tech Guide— for the Tech Illiterate


These are the people that you probably should’ve seen multiple times a year, but didn’t. You love them, but would it kill them to keep up with the times? They seem to want to know everything there is to know about your life: Whatever happened to Brittany, your best friend for two weeks in the third grade? How did you get there, did you drive or ride in a taxi or fly or skip-a-doo right over? Where did you buy that shirt that they couldn’t wear even if they wanted to? These are all deeply relevant questions in their life.

Despite this great interest in everything mundane, they can’t seem to keep up with technology. If they ask you questions like, “Where is the USB?” or “How do I start Internet Explorer?” then this book is the easy answer.  That way, you’re not constantly talking them through how to “turn on the Internet” over the phone.

Or just give them a grandchild. That’s what they really want anyway.


3.  A Very Special Cane– That One Guy You Friendzoned

You used to be really good friends, but when you stressed for the fifth time that you were not breaking up with your boyfriend, he suddenly started posting passive-aggressive Facebook statuses, and now you’re not really sure where you stand. But he’s going to be at the Christmas party, and you can’t NOT get him something, so… What?

Well, he obviously won’t have a leg to stand on after you’ve shredded him on Facebook for the nice guy fallacy, so there’s only one perfect gift: a bull penis cane. Yep, they’re real, and they’re just the perfect way to cure his desperate need to overcompensate. After all, they’re representative of stamina.


Okay, that might’ve been a little rude. But you’re friendship is over anyway, or should be. Feel free to get this for any misogynistic coworker or acquaintance. It should get your message across just fine.


4. Stress Reduction Mouse Pad— for Your Boss


Alright, you can’t come out in the open and say you hate them, but you do.  You might’ve wanted their approval the first couple months, but now it doesn’t really matter.  This can also be hidden under a bit of humor- “I know managing me must be stressful!” (cue laugh track)- but you really just want to see your boss bang their head against  the desk.  When you actually think about it, this is kinda a gift to yourself anyway.  Make the most of it.


Dayton socializes for a living and writes for fun. Her rarely relevant degree gives her experience in political science, writing, Spanish, rugby, theater, coding, and spreading herself too thin. She will forever be a prisoner of her family’s business, doomed to inherit responsibility despite frequent existential protests.

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