I’m sure you didn’t watch Girls last night, as you were probably in the same Beyonce-induced coma the New Orleans Superdome was in… but if you follow social media and stuff, you may have figured out the episode had been available On Demand since last Sunday. That being said, I was able to watch the episode prior to the big game at 4am on Friday night/Saturday morning while eating the 4 boxes of Annie’s macaroni and cheese that I made (4 people, 4 boxes — best drunk rationing ever). While watching, I noticed a wide variety things wrong in the world of Girls. They read as follows:

First of all, what is with all these dinner parties? No respectable 24/25 year old has the time to have consistent dinner party parties on the reg. Like, we get it. Hannah is now totally capable of living on her own. She can pay rent. Her articles are being published online. She can cook. But who the fuck has time to cook so much food and get together with so many people on a regular basis? I would say this has to be a Saturday… but last week she did a whole lot of day-coking (I tried to coin a term and totally failed) and went gay-raging with her ex-roommateboyfriend, Elijah, on a WEDNESDAY. Who the hell has time for these things? Oh right. Privileged hipsters who don’t actually work. Maybe (just maybe) if someone would give me a job where I could, like, work write all the time from anywhere I could have time for dinner parties. But then again, dinner parties sound like they are for old people… and I don’t want to be old. When my busy life allows me to get together with people, I’d rather drink than eat. Duh. The only dinner parties I have are when I’m drunk and make, for example, 4 boxes of macaroni and cheese for my friends. #Normal.

This week’s dinner party was hosted by Hannah and featured Marnie, Charlie, Tiny Navaho (Audrey), Ray, and Shoshana. AKA the most awkward guest list ever. Don’t they have any other friends? Of course Marnie and Audrey (who went from being a free spirit to a crazy bitch) have a verbal brawl with Audrey calling Marnie out for being a hostess and for sleeping at Charlie’s one night. Both soon end up walking out… and who does Charlie go after? Not his actual girlfriend. He follows Marnie to the roof, basically admits that he’s a pussy who still loves her, but after she tells him she’s fucking Booth J – he leaves too. Basically, everyone hates each other! Except Hannah, who’s supposedly having a ball. She, like, loved what she made…

Dinner for one, please.

At the ‘party,’ Shoshana finds out Ray, who is casually 33, is homeless. When he doesn’t sleep at her place (which he apparently always does), he sleeps in his car. Okay. 1. How does Ray have money for a car if he doesn’t have money for a home? 2. Why does he even have a car in Brooklyn? Can’t he just take the subway everywhere? 3. Since he doesn’t need a car, why doesn’t he sell it? He could then take that money and rent an apartment. Maybe there’s a reason for his odd life choices though. I mean, we all choose to spend our money on different things. For example, I choose to spend my money on clothes and vodka. Ray here chooses to spend his money on an unnecessary car. At least Shoshana still loves him after figuring out he’s a loser… and he fucking loves her too. How presh.

Another dinner occurs during this episode between Jessa, Thomas-John, and his uptight wealthy parents. We can all learn from Jessa what to bring up when meeting the boyfriend’s husband’s parents for the first time… for instance, smoking crack. Jessa reveals that she dropped out of Oberlin college after a few months to go to rehab for a heroin addiction — she didn’t shoot it up though, she just smoked it… so it’s fine. Thomas-John’s dad also creepily hits on Jessa. It’s really gross actually. His fetish with Jessa kind of ends when she claims there is no Lord. Doesn’t Jessa watch the Kardashians? There is in fact a lord, and his name is Scott Disick. After dinner, Jessa and Thomas-John have a screaming match in their pent house where Jessa says some really mean shit and then requests 30 grand to leave the marriage. Job well done, Jessa.

Post-fight, Jessa goes to Hannah’s, strips down to nothing, and gets in the bath with her. This would never happen. No twentysomething has time to take a bath. I don’t know about you but when I shower it’s usually before I’m rushing off somewhere (work, dinner, bar, party, shopping, bed, I don’t really go anywhere else). There is no time to actually relax. Helloooo this is 2013. In addition to that, no twentysomething wants to take a bath because most of their bathtubs (if they even have one) are absolutely fucking disgusting (Hannah’s included). I mean, maybe there are twentysomethings out there who have nice renovated bathtubs in their apartments or still live home… but even so, when you’re forced to decide between hanging out with people or spending your night bathing, I think you’d choose to socialize. And NO. Girls do not take baths together. So, despite what you may think thanks to Lena Dunham, baths are not a female’s equivalent to happy hour (with cupcakes replacing alcohol).

So… what are your thoughts, 20-somethings? Oh, and like… what’s a butt plug?


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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