Hooking up on Halloween is interesting, in that you never know who you’re going to wake up next to. While the sea of characters to choose from is endless, the one thing all Halloween hook ups have in common is waking up like this:
While my desire to “rage” and end up in a stranger’s bed has continued to decline the further along I get in my 20’s, I took some time this year to reflect on some of my most memorable Halloween hook-ups, and I encouraged the FTS writers to do the same.
Let’s take a foggy trip down memory lane, shall we?
1) Grover, from Sesame Street
So, that awkward moment when you wake up next to a Sesame Street character and you have to Google the question “Who is the blue guy from Sesame Street that ISN’T Cookie Monster?” You guys have all been there, I’m sure.
If you haven’t, here are a few things that go through your mind:
1) “He looks like Elmo. But he ISN’T Elmo.”
2) “Is he a smurf? Did I fuck a smurf?
3) “WHAT IS REAL?”
When Google informed that Grover was in fact Elmo’s less famous sidekick, I was mildly disappointed. Like, “Really Katie? You couldn’t pull Elmo?” I imagine its similar to hooking up with a Wahlberg, but like Donny, not Mark.
Whatever. I guess I should be grateful that I managed to hook up with someone at all considering I went as a slutty grandma that Halloween. Ladies, apparently walking around with a gray wig, a cane, and yelling “I’VE STILL GOT IT” works. Too bad it didn’t work-out. We would have made a great couple.
The next two years I went as Belle from Beauty and the Beast. So keep that in mind for the next two.
2) Vanilla Ice, Baby…
Yes. I hooked up with a man in a leather USA jacket and actual shaved lines in his hair. We actually dated for a while after that. But much like the rest of Vanilla Ice’s career, everything after that first hit was kind of a let down…
3) Forest Gump
He didn’t really say that, but if he did, he wouldn’t have had to spit any game after that point. Unfortunately, Forestelle doesn’t really have a ring to it. It kind of sounds like a cleaning product with a pine tree scent. Oh well.
Those were my top 3. I’m thinking of calling them all up this year and having THE WEIRDEST ORGY EVER. For real, those are three characters that should never be in the same room, let alone the same vagina.
Now, let’s see what characters the FTS staff has under their belt. (I have kept their names anonymous because, it’s the internet)
4) Playboy Bunny
“I was T.I., she was a Playboy Bunny. We’d never met before, but when I saw her Sofia Vergara looking self in those ears, I had to approach. She had the little black shorts with the cotton ball, and heels that put us at eye level. I had the fitted cap at the angle and a tank top. Perfect match.”
“I was 2 Chainz rap battling in a taco shop, when I saw Jasmine walk by outside. I chased her down and 5 minutes later we were walking down the street together to a club. She was Brazilian and could flex her boobs.”
My favorite thing about this is how casually he breezes by the sentence “I was rap battling in a taco shop”. Anyway, I can also see this, seeing as Jasmine has never had a traditional taste in men. She’s kind of like the Kim Kardashian of the Disney princesses.
6) Trey Songz
“I was Super Girl, which included a cape, sports bra, soffee shorts, and Timberlands. My knight in shining armor was, of course, Trey Songz. After a magical night, I had to walk back to my dorm in my outfit at 9am on a Saturday, right through a tour of about 30 prospective students and parents. To fight the awkwardness I started shouting “Great school! Great school!” as I walked through them in my cape, sports bra, and a big S on my chest.
All I gotta say is, way to turn the Walk of Shame into the Stride of Pride.
7) Mickey Mouse (This one’s a doozie)
“I was dressed as Lindsay Bleuth. After a booze-filled night we started making out everywhere. We ended up going back to his place and we were so messed up that we made a wrong move and I accidentally bit his head, which was bleeding.”
Ok, I have some questions, but let’s continue.
“Later, I opened my phone, forgetting that my friend and I had Facebook stalked him to make sure he was single and he saw his face come up on my home screen. Then, I made him have a friend drive me home and made sure to take one of his shirts with me because I was NOT leaving his house with a slut shirt on. Surprisingly, he was still interested and we were actually together for a while after that.”
In a strange way, that is actually very romantic. If you can bounce back from that, you’re off to a good start.
8) Michael Jackson
“I love leather. I love the color black. And I am kind of super closet-kinky. So out she came–myself as a dominatrix. Of course I picked the most perfect night to be this “sexy whip carrier”, as I was heading to an Ivy Leage frat party. On this particular Halloween I was blackout per usual, and was hunting my prey. I found a guy and he seemed fun. He was dancing up a storm, moonwalking all over the place, totes my type. I didn’t know until he and his friend decided to come home with me and my friends, but he was Michael Jackson. Apparently, I gave Michael Jackson a BJ underneath the stairs at a frat. What the fuck was wrong with me?”
9) Hugh Hefner
“During junior year of college I hooked up with a guy dressed as Hugh Hefner. When we got back to his place he played Chris Brown music during the entire hook up. He probably sounds like a womanizer but he’s actually one of the nicest guys!”
No judgment! Everyone knows there’s no baby makin music like some good old R & B.
Worth noting that she went as a school girl that year. So together the two of them were pedophilia for Halloween.
Well, there you have it. Good luck and godspeed to all of you. Now go out there and get some strange ass.