It’s almost Halloween and you’re probably thinking WTF am I going to be? When we were in college, Halloween was a 5 night (possibly 2 weekend) long bender. Girls could dress like complete sluts (like we needed an excuse to dress slutty at an underage party or the townie-like bars…), as in no pants or tights in the cold, without getting pointed and laughed at by those randoms in the corner. And guys could wear anything they wanted – even cover their unattractive faces with face paint or a mask – so they would have a better chance of taking a girl home from the bar (“Oh you’re Michael Jackson and not Michael from my psych class? I will totally go home with you! I’ve always wanted to hook up with a dead person!”).

Things are different now. We’re not in college anymore so we don’t have all that free time to brainstorm ideas, fb stalk randoms’ Halloween pics from last year, and craft our costumes between classes. Basically, we’re now on our own with limited time to get creative. Maybe you’ll choose to head to the nearest party store and buy a sexy 80 dollar costume that probably 10 other people will have on at the bar… Or maybe you’ll aim to get creative in the minimal free time you have. I, of course, will always get creative as long as I’m a twenty something, and I recommend that you do too. We are still young. In a few years we will be too busy preparing our kids’ costumes to focus on our own. We will not be attending bars or parties (unless its an old people party), blacking out, or dressing like sluts because we will be too busy doing things like working or taking our kids trick or treating. Imagine dressing as a sexy nurse doing that? Nope, not happening.

The one positive I can think of regarding Halloween post-college is that you only have to think of two costumes (or one if you’re not embracing your youth), rather than the 5 costumes you had to prepare each year in college.  Obviously creating my costumes was super time consuming, but now since I have less than half the costumes to create, I only need like half the time to concoct my masterpieces. All it takes is a few ideas and a trip to iParty.

So what are you going to be? If you’re a single guy, choose wisely. Not everyone knows you by your first name anymore. This isn’t Cheers. This is real life. No girl wants to go home with a giant condom or furry animal. Do you know how hard that would be to take off? Also, we can’t tell if you’re fat, scrawny, ugly, etc. Not worth it.

If you’re a girl, this is your chance to look hot as f*ck, no matter your size or shape. Cover your face in bronzer without looking like a Jersey Shore freak. Put on a sh*tload of eye makeup on. Maybe even wear really long fake eyelashes. We all secretly want to do these things on a regular basis… but since it’s socially unacceptable and time consuming, we can’t (unless you’re a hipster). Next step: Wear like nothing and head to the bars. Take tons of pictures to put on FB and go home with a random dressed as your favorite celeb or fantasy. Success.

Of course, these were the rules in college… but they will be the rules as long as you are young, fun, and have no kids. The only difference is that you don’t know everyone at the bars anymore, so you just have to be careful and not go home with some half naked guy or girl just because you can’t help yourself. However, just because you have a bachelors degree and are supposed to be “professional” doesn’t mean you can’t have fun... so live a little. Especially during the most outrageous time of the year – Halloween!


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.


  1. I’m still debating whether or not to dress up for Halloween this year. Mostly because I graduated about a month ago and 1. I’m Too lazy 2. Don’t have that many friends who actually go to parties at home. 3. I’m broke and still looking for a job. Thanks for sharing!

  2. Pingback: 10-31-2011 GC’s Halloween 2011 Project 2 | John Jr's Blog

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