About a year and a half ago, I caved and started watching The Bachelor. Perhaps adulthood is making me more basic as the years go on—or maybe I am actually turning into a cat (curiosity, need for water, manipulative tendencies)—but why miss out on something a bunch of people love? It’s loved for a reason, right? I had to find out.

So I started watching. I watched Jojo’s season, Nick’s season, and Rachel’s season. tried my hardest to get into each because live tweeting made me feel ~social~, but eventually I would get bored and stop paying attention, leaving the show on in the background of whatever else I was doing. Every season generally went the same. People make tough decisions, but generally have a good idea of who they really want to end up with. Then two people decide to try to date… forever. Boring. But whatever. That’s what the show is.

Until now?

This season’s ending, *spoiler alert* was not okay. The season itself sucked. The “villain,” Krystal, was awful to watch—and not in a good way. Her voice and mannerisms were so annoying, I had to shut the TV off when she was on screen. The other girls were, uh, too normal. Even Kendall, who did something weird with dead animals, was normal. They were all just there to find love… with Arie? *shudders*

My disinterest in the season stemmed from my disinterest with Arie. As a newcomer to The Bachelor franchise, I had no idea who he was. When I first saw his picture, I didn’t understand. He wasn’t very attractive. And he was a race car driver. So this mediocre race car driving guy was supposed to be a catch??????????????????????? In what world? I concluded that maybe he had a good personality. But then I came to find that not only did he not have a good personality, HE HAD NO PERSONALITY AT ALL. Who casted Arie as Head Bachelor? Honestly, did Arie pay ABC to make him Head Bachelor? I wouldn’t doubt it. The guy has money. Oh, is that what is supposed to make him a catch? I still don’t get it.

Throughout the season, I was rooting for all the women I actually enjoyed… to go TF home. Everyone over the age of 30 should have just stayed home to begin with. Clearly the guy was looking for something the opposite of mature. Even at 22, Bekah was too mature for Arie. She also had too much of a personality for him, but so does a tree.

At the end, Arie kept two women close—telling each one he loved them because what better way to ensure you have options than to make your options believe they are not options?

First, there was Becca. Sweet Becca from the Midwest. She has a personality. Not a unique, made-for-TV personality, but a nice girl/loyal friend personality. Everyone has a Becca in their life—and she is absolutely the friend who can’t go out with you tonight because she has to feed her dog. And her cat. And her rabbit? Full disclosure: I have been knee deep in Becca’s Instagram and I am not ashamed. Girl is normal AF.

A post shared by Rebecca Kufrin (@bkoof) on

Then there was Lauren. This girl literally has the personality of a rock you never realized you stepped on because you never knew it was there. When she speaks, it’s like watching someone who can’t act being forced to act. But she’s not acting. This is her. I guess she is just bad at being her???????? If ‘The Bachelor’ was included in Razzie nominations, Lauren would win them all.

So between the two, who did Arie choose to win? Becca. If I didn’t read the spoilers, this would have been a shock to me. Just from watching this show, I can tell Arie is the type of dude who needs a girl with no personality of her own so he can continue living his life—no compromises necessary. Lauren, who could barely get out a sentence in front of Arie, is 100% that type of girl. Arie even said: she would need him to ‘hold her hand’ through life. And he said he LIKED that about her. That said everything I needed to know right there. Becca is an independent woman who is looking for a life partner—not a protector (gross). She would want to do her, and Arie would want to do him, and they would fight because Arie would never compromise, and it would never work out.

And it didn’t work out because he dumped her… after the show stopped filming… for Lauren.

So Arie changed his mind, fine. But WHY did he have to change his mind on television? Why did he have a camera crew follow him while he dumped her? AND WHY WOULDN’T HE LEAVE AFTER HE BROKE HER HEART AND SHE TOLD HIM TO GO? Why did ABC turn into a trashy MTV reality show for 30 minutes, without the staged and scripted part. This wasn’t staged. Becca was legitimately blindsided. Why did they make us listen to her cry? I can’t even stand listening to myself crying, never mind listening to someone else crying. Real, authentic crying is painful to watch. Why would they do that to someone? Why would they do that to viewers?

‘The Bachelor’ completely humiliated Becca. They did, however, confirm everyone’s suspicions that Arie is a ‘needle dick’ as Krystal put it and ‘the biggest fucking tool’ as Bekah put it.

Arie never should have proposed if he was feeling conflicted the morning of ‘proposal day.’ His family told him they liked Becca better, so he chose her. But he didn’t have to propose to her if he wasn’t 100% sure he wanted to marry her. It’s okay to not know what you want. In fact, not being able to decide between two people might mean that neither are ‘the one.’ There’s no need to force something—or do what other people think is best for you when you’re not sure you agree.

Now tonight ‘The Bachelor’ is airing another two hours of this shit. Like, do I want to watch Arie go tell personality-less Lauren who just wanted to make her ex jealous during this whole thing, ‘hey I know I chose Becca over you, but I just dumped her and I actually want to be with you now.’ BOY BYE.

This whole time I’ve been wondering if Lauren was pretending to love Arie so she could win the show. Honestly, I have never heard someone be so insincere when saying they love someone before. But if she took him ‘back’ after all of this and is fine with being with someone who chose someone else over her, I guess I’m missing something?

Regardless of how this ends, ‘The Bachelor’ messed up. And now if I ever find myself really hot and really single, I won’t apply to be on the show because apparently, they own you. Your loss, ABC.


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

Write A Comment