How Single Guys Really Spend Valentine’s Day (By a Guy)

There are some questions on Earth that need answering: Who built Stonehenge? Is Leo dreaming in the final scene of “Inception”? Who shot Biggie? And maybe more important than all, what does the average single guy do on V-Day? Luckily for you I am single and I am well-versed in spending V-Day as a single guy (that is a lot sadder when you actually type it out). Anyway, I am going to give you a first hand look at what single men do on V-Day; so buckle in, grab one for the road, insert that “Better Than Ezra” CD and let’s go on this beautiful journey together.

I climb out of my sheets (thread count: 900) and check social media only to find couples retweeting love quotes and schmoozing on Facebook; I am disgusted, or terribly sad, who really knows. After crippling break-ups my pain is unbearable on this day so I do what any educated man would do: drink. I crack into my case of Miller Light and begin texting other single friends to wallow in the pain along with me.

The single men have assembled and the booze starts flowing like that of a waterfall, perhaps like that of Niagara Falls if that paints a better picture. Laughter and drinking begins to slow and before you know it The Notebook is playing in the background and several text messages have been sent to exes pleading for them back, it is time to leave the house. We pick ourselves up and head for the only place that accepts single, drunk, bereaved souls… the bar, it’s the bar.

After passing several Baskin Robbins on the way to the bar and watching loved ones feed each other an assortment of ice creams morale was at an all time low. Luckily, the bar was on the horizon.

I enter the bar and begin my search for the future Mrs. Faulk because I cannot watch “Ghost” alone. Bar close is upon us and I think I have found the one, the one I can bring home to Mother. I flag a taxi and we head for my home. We arrive and I escort her through the living room riddled with beer cans from earlier in the day. We fall asleep to Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore making pottery; it is the most romantic night in recorded history, or so I thought.

It actuality, it turned out I had rode a bike home, was escorted up to my room by my 75 year-old neighbor, and after asking for her hand in marriage several times she placed me next to the toilet to sleep off my V-Day blues. I awake to the main menu of Ghost playing over and over again, and, still no wife.

So there you have it, this is how I imagine every single guy spends his Valentine’s Day. Now that the cat is out of the bag you will probably look at your single guy friends in a whole new light; a dim, yellow, flickering light.