Well, to start, you might not want to say “bang”.

We’ve all been there. You meet a guy, he pursues you, things are going well, and the second you start thinking “Hey, maybe he’s one of the good ones”, he disappears. This has happened to me, and almost every girl I know. (I also know that some girls do this to guys, and to those girls, I say, you are assholes too).

I would also like to preface this by saying I do not think that all guys are assholes. I am in no way perfect and have often ducked out of situations or avoided having difficult conversations simply because I hate and desperately fear awkwardness of any kind, and I am the definition of an introvert. This is something I am working on.

Whether a guy does this because he doesn’t care or does care but doesn’t know how to say it, is irrelevant. Because objectively, you come across as an asshole, whether you mean to or not. Are you an asshole because you want to have sex with several women at once (I mean in life, not like, a threesome). No. Are you an asshole because you cut ties with a girl because you don’t have the balls to tell her that you want to have sex with several women? Kinda. What I’m saying is, you can hook up with as many people as your enthusiastic penis desires, without being dubbed “a dick”. But it requires honesty (LOL), and more importantly, the BALLS to actually be honest. There were way too many penis references in that paragraph.

While some women are on the more aggressive side (and power to them), I typically take the passenger seat when it comes to dating. I like to follow the guys lead, perhaps as a defense mechanism because I’ve been hurt too many times to enter into any type of relationship with blind optimism. (Too real? Ok.) Let’s say we’re walking down the street and all of the sudden you put your arm around me for the first time, I’m like “Oh, we’re doing that now. Ok. Noted.” Or, after we hook up a few times and then you invite me to meet your friends. All of the sudden, you’re texting me more frequently, talking to me about real shit.This behavior leads me to believe that things are progressing. But fool me once, shame on you. Fool me more times than I’d like to admit, shame on Katie. The disappearing act is extremely confusing and unsettling.That would be like someone blindfolding you, holding your hand, guiding you down some unknown path, telling you to open your eyes, only for you to realize that they are nowhere to be found. It’s like, YOU TOOK ME HERE ASSHOLE.

I understand that there is that mother fucker of a chemical called oxytocin that makes women more emotionally attached. But expectations are not a chemical. In other words, there is a level of emotional attachment all females will have after sex. BUT, as I say in my stand-up, we do have the ability to reign it in, by managing our expectations. Am I suggesting guys just treat girls like shit from the get go? No. What I mean is, if you are good guy who does have respect for women, do not do all the “right” things, and then ghost because you don’t have the balls to tell her where things stand for you, because more often than not we’re ON THE SAME PAGE. Unfortunately for many guys, it doesn’t even occur to them that we could be in the same book.

This is where men need to, man up. You can’t text us non-stop, seek us out to make plans, and essentially lead us down that path, and then get all like “BITCH YOU CRAZY” when we expect to hear from you. Very recently, I had the first “casual sex”, as they say, relationship that I was actually okay with. Why? Because from the get go he was upfront about the fact that I was not the only girl he was hooking up with. He was respectful in every way, which because of his honesty, I did not mistake for anything more than what it was. This went on for a few months, when finally he told me things were getting slightly more serious with another girl, and that he just wanted to let me know so that he didn’t disappear without any communication or explanation. My response: THANK YOU. This was my epiphany: Him telling me that he was with someone else did not hurt me. Him NOT telling me that he was with someone else would have hurt me. Do you see?! It’s not the fact that we’re not exclusive…it’s the confusion. Guys, you are not sparing us anything by ghosting. You are hurting us more than you would if you just had the balls to say “Hey, I like you, but I am also seeing other people and don’t want you to get the wrong idea.” Then at least we can decide whether or not that is what we’re looking for. It’s our decision to make, not yours. What I’m saying is, if you aren’t Ryan Gosling, don’t assume that we will start registering at Crate & Barrell if we have sex regularly. When guys make this assumption, they often resort to a tactic I like to call, “Relationship or Ghost”. Guys mentality: “Shit, if we keep hooking up at this pace, she’s going to get too attached to me because I am a sex god. Then when she finds out I’m not really looking to be exclusive right now she’s going to be heartbroken and go batshit crazy. Yeah…I better just ghost.”


I am a comedian, writer, actress, & also rapper living in NYC. I'm 4'11 so naturally my rap name is T-Spoon. Dating confuses me, so I like to write about it. The way to my heart is probably through fart jokes and puppies. (Here's the part where I encourage you to follow me on twitter @halleratyou)


  1. I agree that this should work in theory. I usually get two responses to this blatant honesty. Either:

    A) Woman says “no problem, I understand” and proceeds to want something more after three months or leaves anyway. Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Sometimes (1/10) they are in the same situation and the honesty is refreshing.

    B) Most women flake first when you’re honest, or won’t have sex with you in the first place. You end up getting punished for your honesty, because a lot of people have huge expectations of the way their lives are supposed to be. They’re checking off boxes for the “way life is supposed to be” because [insert influence here] said so. For example, when I leave to work for a few weeks (or months) I get infinitely more flakes on dates. Like 3/4 of them. Usually last minute. This is frustrating to say the least. I understand the biological urge for monogamy. It’s even practical sometimes, but it’s certainly not the be all and end all. It’s certainly not the only way.

    However I realized that during the years I was sleeping with tons of women (sometimes many in a week) and during the years that I routinely had 3 girlfriends, I would not broach the topic, just be handsome and charming, and would just let things play out. I would never lie, I just wouldn’t tell them my full story until they asked. Sometimes they just assumed we were an item without ever broaching the subject.

    Now over 100’s of successful and unsuccessful dating iterations, and now that I’m finally looking for a long term partner, I’m less inclined to believe that there is “one way” for anyone, but instead an individual belief and experience set to deal with for each person. Age plays a big factor, again, mostly due to experience. For example, every time I date a woman under 25, I run into this issue. They want to suck it up and be with me without the relationship, but then end up in tears when I leave again. Usually this is work related, and usually outside both our control. I’m starting to get very skeptical of the whole thing. I don’t want to hurt these women, but being alone sucks too. Life is too short, and sometimes sharing brief moments together is better is better than nothing at all.

    As someone with a lot of value to offer, and a lot of honesty as well, I feel that honesty is an expensive gift, and shouldn’t be given to people who don’t value it. How to determine that? Well, I guess I’ll just be spending more nights alone, because I’m not willing to sell the lie. If I do, I get laid. Abundantly. If I ignore it and just be charming, I get laid, abundantly. I need sex, I also love and enjoy it. I am not ashamed of this fact. I’m also not petty or possessive or hypocritical. But I do get punished for telling the truth in most cases. And that’s about as powerful an incentive you can get to let the story in her head be whatever she wants it to be.

    So in summary I think this cuts both ways. Women need to own their shit, men need to own theirs. Until that becomes the norm however, you can have it all, but you can’t have it all at once. Just my humble opinion based on many years of living and dating across the world.

    Honestly, I cherish the times when I meet like minded people. It’s rare these days.

    Appreciate the article.


    • The idea that honesty is an “expensive gift” that “shouldn’t be given to people who don’t value it” seems strange to me.

      You say you cherish the time when you meet like-minded people, but honesty is the best way to find out who IS like-minded.

      Yes, some people might not sleep with you if you tell them the truth that you don’t want more than just sleeping with them, and you might not want to be exclusive, but when you say you “don’t want to hurt these women,” sometimes NOT sleeping with them would be a good way to avoid hurting them.

      It’s not that this conversation has to happen immediately, of course. It would be unreasonable to meet someone, go home with them, and then have a conversation right away about how monogamous you are or aren’t going to be. And it would be unreasonable for someone else to expect to have that conversation immediately as well. So certainly, starting off with the assumption that something might not be exclusive is fine, but after a certain point, even if you’re not actively lying, there might come a time where you’re having sex under false pretenses. Which is potentially ethically murky.

      You can hide the truth and have sex with more people, or you can be honest, find the people who want you want, and have lots of sex with them, and not worry about hurting people as much.

      When you say you “get punished for telling the truth,” what do you mean by that? Someone decides that upon knowing the truth, they don’t want to sleep with you? That’s not punishment. You’re not entitled to sex from any particular person.

      I agree that everyone needs to “own their shit,” and the more people (both men and women) who communicate honestly about their desires, the more people there will be honestly communicating about their desires, and the more like-minded people will find one another, and the fewer people will be hurt.

      Honesty isn’t an expensive gift. It’s valuable, but we can all afford to use it. It might not always pay off in the short term, but in the long term, you can find people who want what you want, and avoid hurting the people you would hurt by not being honest. It’s pretty win-win, no?

      I’ve had experiences where I told the truth and didn’t have things go exactly the way I wanted, but I’ve had plenty where people surprised me by responding positively. Encouraging more people to communicate like this is the way to go, I think. You can do it!

      I also appreciate the article, and this conversation. Honestly.


  2. Let’s just be honest. Dating these days sucks. We are more distracted and more stalkerish than ever. Hardly anyone leaves voicemails and the average attractive female has at least 2-3 guys texting her for her attention. There are hundreds of dating books, and only 10% of them are actually worth reading, for both genders. And to top it all off, all of us men have mommy issues, and all women have daddy issues, and they are more prevalent than ever before.

    To comment on this article, yes men need to be more up front on their attentions when they go out on a date with someone. And to throw my hat in the ring, women need to own their shit too. But the truth is, that will always be the reality. There will be men who are too much of a pussy to tell a girl they don’t want anything serious, and there will be plenty of women who are afraid of conflict or are too aloof to be upfront with their last minute change of mind.

    The only thing advice I can give is that if you have high standards, good, keep them high. If you just want sex, go to a club or a bar. If you want to “figure out women” stop right there because logic does not apply to women. Women only know what they feel. They are emotional beautiful creatures.

    The only thing we have to understand as men, is that they are like the wind, their emotions flowing like a gentle breeze or like a hurricane… and our job as men… is to be a rock and withstand whatever the wind throws at you. So the whole women being flakes… that is unfortunately their own insecurities that are preventing them from taking a step outside of their comfort zone, and women have a lot of insecurities. So if a women flakes on you…. She is either playing games (which is 90% of all flakes) or something last minute came up (family, car, etc.) and if she is playing games, then she is not worth a damn thing. Move on, don’t text her like “what happened” or anything. If she doesn’t tell you she’s sorry or something came up or the infamous I fell asleep, sorry I forgot to call you…. then drop it like it’s hot and move on to the next one. And pat yourself on the back for saving yourself the trouble of dealing with that. The same also applies for women.

  3. Thanks for the article…I was making plans to “ghost” on a girl I’m currently seeing, and now I know better and will do the responsible thing, and be honest with her.

    Fredd in Harlem

  4. YES: “Shit, if we keep hooking up at this pace, she’s going to get too attached to me because I am a sex god”

    Why do some men think this?! It’s the most egotistical and sexist BS.

    You’re so right about expectations being the reason people get hurt. I think the two relationships out of many that have upset me the most have been because those two people weren’t up front with me. But to be fair I probably wasn’t upfront with them either. We all have to grow up sometime!

  5. Pingback: Texts We Wish We Got | I Got Twenty Something Problems

Write A Comment