Barre is like such a thing now. These studios promise you will have a dancer’s body in no time. The atmosphere of these places can be a bit intimidating (cough PRETENTIOUS cough) but you can feel like a barre-ista in no time. Follow these steps.
1) Throw out all your old workout clothes and replace them with leggings that cost at minimum $80 and tank tops no less than $50. Lululemon preferred. Don’t even think about heading to Target or TJ Maxx. You will be an outcast.
2) Do not think about wearing the socks you arrived in. Take a large chunk of your paycheck and buy the grippy socks. Even though you could probably achieve the same product by putting puffy paint polka dots on the bottom of the brightly colored socks you already own.
3) While waiting for class to start, fake perfect posture. Do not let the other class attendees see you slouch. Repeat after me: You are a dancer and have the body of one.
4) Buy a fake engagement ring if you do not have a real one. The bigger the better. From far away the others won’t know it’s cubic zirconia.
5) Wear a corset when not at class so you can get to a size zero. HIPS ARE NOT OKAY.
6) Keep your tears internal and smile as though those tucks are not the most painfully uncomfortable thing you’ve made your body do.
7) Be sure to wear a full face of makeup to class, even on Saturday mornings. Zits are unacceptable. Mascara is much needed.
8) While waiting in the studio right before class starts, stretch excessively. Position yourself in a split for as much of the stretching period as possible.
9) Use as many mats and risers as are available to you. It makes it look like you know what you’re doing.
10) Breathe forcefully while keeping the cutest face you can. EXHALE. EXHALE. EXHALE. EXHALE.
11) Use 2-3 lockers/cubbies for your belongings. You own this studio.
12) ALWAYS do the optional challenge moves. You’re so impressive.
13) Go to class so often that the front desk girls and teachers don’t ask you for your name. Greet them with an overly friendly hello.
14) Do not let the other attendees see you stumble down the stairs cause your “seat” hurts.
