How to: Get a Promotion

It’s a lesson we all learned back in the sand box days:  life isn’t fair, and you don’t always get what you want.  Tough cookies, right?  We all face various setbacks and defeats throughout life before and during college, and naturally, those are meant to prepare us for the setbacks and defeats we’ll face in this weird realm called the “real world.”  I know a lot of people have some warped sense of justice that involves them finally succeeding after being downtrodden throughout the majority of their formative years, but in reality, life continues to knock you back time after time.

I spent the better (or worse, I suppose) part of two years writing for a widely known college comedy website.  I sold my soul to a semi-corporate machine to write jokes about running out of Diet Coke and adopt the persona of a shallow, narcissistic sorority girl.  I gained thousand of Twitter followers under the pseudonym, and I wrote more material than most of the in house writers.  Because the company was relatively new when I came on board with them, I didn’t expect to be brought on full time right away, but it was the general consensus among all of the other freelancers that if anyone were to get the promotion, it would be me.  All was right in the world of my creatively suffocating self, until I started having creative differences with my immediate boss.  Even though I got along swimmingly and saw more than eye to eye with the owners of the company, my immediate supervisor and I did not mesh AT ALL.  Regardless of the fact that I was making the website a ridiculous amount of money, he had it out for me from the moment he received his promotion.

I thought I was being paranoid, until the other writers began resounding my sentiments.  A few months before I was planning on heading to “intern” in house for the summer, a new writer came on board.  Not only did this new writer impress nobody (except for aforementioned dickhead boss) but she actually stole my material.  I’m not kidding.  We used to operate off of a “pitch ideas and get them approved or tabled” format.  For a solid three months, I would pitch ideas and have them shut down per my dickhead boss (we’ll call him Ross, because it rhymes with boss), only to see that a few days later, my previously tabled column concepts were written by the new girl.

Obviously, I was outraged, and with good reason.  I tried not to let it get the best of me, knowing I would soon be in house and be able to slay my future employers with my wit and brilliance.  I grinned and bore it until something completely unforseen happened:  untalented new girl was brought on as a full time staffer.  This bitch, who straight up plagiarized my work and had only written for the site for a matter of MONTHS was given the job I had been banking on.

Needless to say, I was positively gutted.  All past notions I had about working hard and being great at what you do went out the window.  It was then I realized corporate America is a dog eat dog, back stabbing place.  It’s not fucking Gotham, and Batman isn’t going to avenge justice because you deserve a promotion, or a job, or a high five.

Because it’s obvious hard work and integrity get you nowhere in the work place anymore, I’ve instead compiled a more surmountable list of ways to get a promotion.

1)  Blackmail Your Employer

Nothing says “I deserve a raise” more than “I’m going to tell everyone about that time you got handsy with me at the company party.”  Some might say this is immoral, but the shrewd would say it’s brilliant.  Yes, you might show up early and stay late every day, but you also will never forget that time you gave your boss a handjob.   Good girl.

2)  Threaten Harassment/Discrimination

This one generally works best if you’re part of a minority group, but it still works nonetheless.  I mean, you can’t be blamed for missing a deadline if it happened during Yom Kippur, RIGHT?  And you KNOW you can’t be denied that promotion JUST BECAUSE you’re the only female in the office.  God I love Affirmative Action.

3)  Sleep with Your Boss

Some might judge you, but those people will never know the glory of having their own late night talk show/corner office/whatever.  So like, go for it.

It’s a jungle out there kids.  Come prepared.

Also, for the record, I’m a freelance writer and a bartender, for the love of fuck don’t take anything I said seriously.  Except for how I once freelanced for a bullshit company, because that happened.