Because I’m no longer in college the ever so amazing SPRING BREAK no longer exists. Excuse me for a second while I mourn my former life… *Eats pint of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked* Now that I have graduated college and entered the real world many things have changed – having spring break for two weeks is one of them.
When you work a 9-5 in order for you to have an actual spring break you must use up your vacation time. I get 10 days vacation FOR THE YEAR! I’m sure most twenty somethings have similar arrangements with their jobs. If you use up your 10 days in one month, that’s it! You are done having vacation for the rest of the year. No Summer Break, no Christmas Break and definitely no just taking a day off for the hell of it because you got way to drunk on the 4th of July and just don’t bounce back like you used to. It doesn’t matter – you get 10 days.
Now that we’re all depressed and on the same level I can share with you some of my ideas of things to do instead of participating in Spring Break aka ways to try to get over the fact we no longer get to enjoy the wonderfulness that is binge drinking in a warm climate.
#1. Treat yourself to a Netflix Marathon every night after work for two weeks (what used to be your Spring Break). Oh wait, I do this anyways even when it’s not spring break. But still, make this extra special and splurge on some nice tequila and make yourself a margarita. Then instead of just being a pathetic twenty something Netflixing your life away – you are a DRUNK twenty something Netflixing your life away. Do you see the difference? I suggest tequila instead of wine because, you know –it’s SPRING BREAK Mother F…you get it. Don’t feel guilty about doing this either. In college you were drunk for two weeks straight, just because you have graduated that doesn’t have to change.
#2. This kind of goes along with Number 1… Watch the movie Spring Breakers and imagine what your life would be like if you were a) that skinny b) looked THAT good while ridiculously intoxicated and c) actually decided to massacre a bunch of drug dealers on your spring break…did I just give away the movie? Whoops!
#3. Work out. HA just kidding…that’s probably not going to happen. Unless you count getting out of bed and opening a bottle of wine, beer, tequila or bag of chips. Probably that doesn’t count, so yeah.
#4. Get dressed up in your best spring break outfit: sexy dress with shoes you can’t walk in without falling over or jean shorts with a bikini… (you get the picture) then go out to the local bar that you frequent on Fridays. When asked why you are dressed like that oppose to your usual winter get up lift up your shirt and flash the bartender yelling “SPRING BREAK BITCH!” You might get kicked out of the bar or arrested. BUT, there you go now you have a successful spring break #yourwelcome
#5. Do the master cleanse. I’ve never done this before, but I really want to know how long I can last without actual food before I kill someone or myself. I’m curious! Not to mention, when all your friends come back from the vacation that they surprisingly were able to afford all bloated you will be skinny and can rub it in their face for once in your life! Muahaha.
#6. Take a bubble bath every night. Light a candle, get some wine, watch some Netflix, read a book or magazine… whatever you want. Pretend it’s a hot tub… it might work. Probably not, but just use your imagination. Don’t take a picture of your legs in the bubbles though, like really don’t! Nobody cares.
#7. Go through your photo albums and look at past spring break pics on Facebook. Are you depressed yet? If not, try and find those videos that you saved on your computer…you know, the ones you hope nobody but you and your friends will EVER see. Eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and mourn for your youth (again).
#8. Work out, really this time! Get outside and get some Vitamin D. Bundle up if it’s still cold where you live and put on your motivation playlist. My personal work out soundtrack is titled “You Go Girl (insert fist emoji here)” songs like Katy Perry “Roar” and Nelly “Heart of a Champion.”
#9. Get a spray tan. Spray Tans aren’t that cheap but since you didn’t go on a Spring Break trip this year you can splurge a little. If I wasn’t struggling in the money department the FIRST thing I would get is my own custom spray tan person. If you don’t want to get a spray tan, you can always go tanning tanning, it’s really bad for you apparently but it’s Spring Break. I merely suggested spray tanning first because it just seems healthier – even if it’s not. Idk, let’s not get into a debate about tanning. Just get some sort of tan so that you feel bronzed and skinny. Is it just me or does tanning make everyone look skinnier?
#10. Sleep. Just sleep for the next two weeks…I give you permission! If you feel guilty about it, just know that I am doing the same thing.
Let’s stick together 20 Somethings, together we can survive this.