As much as I hate to admit it, I’m not as ‘awesome’ as I was in college. I can’t drink a bottle of captain to the face one night and then start drinking another bottle the next day (after throwing up all night/morning and reviving myself with a nice, toasted bagel of course). I need time to recover. I don’t drink as much, and I’m assuming you don’t either. Meaning our tolerance has pretty much shriveled up and died… but that doesn’t mean our love for raging has to die as well.

We love to rage. We love to drink. And during the month of March, we love the color green. So this St. Patty’s Day, no matter how tired we are from our strenuous work week… and no matter how much shit we have to get done that we couldn’t do this past week… we are going to party like work doesn’t exist and money ain’t a damn thang (because it’s, like, not).

So it’s the morning of and you’re really tired (really hungover too if you’re a champ and went out last night – shame on you if you didn’t). However, on this lovely holiday dedicated to booze, you don’t get to rest. Maybe for, like, a few hours… but you have to get your ass out of bed (now) and on to the dance floor pronto. And by pronto I mean after you’ve drank all you possibly can and bar hopped as many bars as you possibly could (aka until the lines start to form and the cover charges start to sky rocket).

Here are 5 ways to ensure you have a successful St. Patrick’s Day:

1. Pace yourself. This day is probably going to bring you back to college. Your college self will probably start to haunt you… and you will probably start to think you are invincible and can take 5 shots in a row without throwing up. Well, unless you are an unemployed alcoholic, chances are you can’t drink that much anymore. So be wise. Drink a lot – but not too often. Space out your drinks. You don’t want to be throwing up at 5pm or passed out in your bed by 8pm. That would be lame…

2. Dress like a moron. Meaning you must wear lots of green. NOT just a green T. If you do only wear a green T, newsflash: you’re one boring mother fucker. You must sport a green T along with green beads, a green hat (‘we’re going streaking… snoop… snoopaloop… bring your green hat‘ …sorry I had to), green sunglasses, and any other green swag you can get your hands on. The bigger an idiot you look like, the better.

3.Drink green beer (unless you’re gluten free like me and can’t). No St. Patrick’s Day is complete without green beer… so you’re going to have to drink it today. And if you can’t drink beer like me, at least look at it, be upset for 5 seconds that you can’t drink it, and then go back to your red bull vodka and get fucked up.

4. Don’t go home early (unless you’re sick or about to be sick). As I said, this day entire weekend is all about going back to your college roots. Did you ever leave the bar early because you were tired in college? NO. You left the bar when it closed, when you could no longer stand, or when you were throwing up in the bathroom (or when your friend was… that fucking bitch). Man up and stay out. You’re either actually Irish or Irish for just today – so suck it up and party.

5. Take pictures. You’re not going to remember today. And if you do, you should at least want to see for yourself how idiotic you looked in your green sunglasses after drinking for, like, 10 hours straight. So you will need pictures. Whether you take them or your friend takes them, it doesn’t matter. As long as they end up on Facebook ASAP so you can show everyone else that you’re still fun, young, and can drink like a college student.

Have a great St. Patrick’s Day everyone! Today you are young, Irish, and… wasted. Enjoy 🙂


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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