Since the dawn of time, men and women have been trying to figure each other out, with little success. The reason is simple— men and women think very differently.

Men don’t understand women because women are too complex, while women don’t understand men because men are too simple. It’s strange that two beings from the same species could think so differently, yet here we are.

Men, since you should know that your women are complex and often emotional creatures, get your acts together. If you’ve already miraculously attracted a woman to you, but don’t want her to flee when she starts peeling back the layers of the onion that is you, listen to these words of wisdom.

Speaking of smelly things, like onions…


1. Clean Yourself Up (Actually Use Soap)

This should be the most absolutely effortless ritual you practice, not only for a woman but for the human race. Here are the most important six words you’ll ever hear: nobody likes it when you stink. So why would she? Seriously, make sure you’re well-groomed. No one should have to remind you that hygiene is important, and you’d better believe it’s important to her. Making sure you leave the house smelling more like a basket of roses than a sweaty gym bro shows her that you care about basic self maintenance. And if she knows you care about the little stuff, it won’t be too big a stretch for her to assume that you care about the big stuff too. 


2. Pay Attention To Her

Listen, listen, listen! Girls can always tell when you aren’t listening to them— like really listening. “Mm-hmm” and “that’s great” will only keep your head above water for so long. Nothing turns a girl off faster than feeling overlooked. Want her to be into you? Give her all of your attention.

Women want to be engaged (but not that sort of engaged— well, actually they do, but that’s a step you’re probably not at yet). They want to tell you about their day and for you to tell them about yours. They want your honest opinion (but not too honest). They want thoughtful answers to their questions and distraction-free conversations. During these conversations, remember to always give details. Details are your friends.


3. Do A Chore For Once

Before you plop down on the couch and turn up SportsCenter, quickly scan the room. Is your girlfriend sitting next to you? Is she in the restroom? If the answer to both questions is no, then get your butt up off the couch. Make sure she isn’t in the kitchen doing dishes without an offer of your assistance.

Don’t feel bad if she says she’s got it covered. Truth be told, you’d probably just slow her down. It’s the initiative that counts. If she’s got the dishes covered, go find something else you can clean, cook or fix. There will be tasks available— that’s a guarantee. Before you spread out a blanket on the floor so you can lay down and watch a movie with her, vacuum the floor. Dust bunnies kill moods. Spread the awareness.

Instead of watching pizza boxes get stacked into a small mountain next to the trash can walk the maximum of 50 feet outside to the dumpster and dump the garbage. Don’t ever attempt to take a nap without fixing the air conditioner first. Even cold-natured girls won’t snuggle in the middle of a sauna.

Doing chores is the next step up from personal hygiene in the “I care about things” department.


4. Tell Her She’s Pretty

Or beautiful, depending on the occasion. Contrary to what society would have you believe, women don’t want to be called hot or sexy.

Women want to be called beautiful. Walking into a room, kissing her on the forehead and saying, “Hey there, gorgeous,” sounds as sweet and mellifluous as Ron Burgundy playing the jazz fluteWalking into that same room, blurting out, “What’s up, hot stuff?” and trying to make out with her on the spot isn’t quite as appealing. At least, it shouldn’t be.

Women already feel pressure to look beautiful and appear confident 27 hours a day, so using adjectives that invite objectification are like nails on a chalk board. She wants to know that even on the mornings she lounges around in her sweatpants with no makeup on, you still think she looks pretty good. So tell her that!



5. Stop Trying So Hard

If you were never an eloquent speaker before, you won’t suddenly become one. And if you never liked poetry, you’re not going to like poetry now. Believe it or not, she’s with you because she actually likes you.

So stop trying to play it cool. That’s not what attracts her to you, and if you think that being “cooler” will make her like you more, your relationship could be in some trouble. More often than not, an attempt to be smooth, suave or any other adjective used to describe James Bond comes across as cocky, or even worse, dismissive.

What attracts women to men is not what men often presume. As a result, they try to impress women with feats of strength, stacks of cash and popularity contests. Speak their language — women value qualities such as a man’s leadership ability, attention span, vulnerability, and yes, even a sense of humor (but don’t overdo it).

So stop trying to impress her in the way you’d impress your bros. Nailing a jumper from half court might get your buddies excited, but it means absolutely nothing if you forgot to put the toilet seat down.


Take showers. Pay attention. Don’t be lazy. She’s way more attractive than you, so you should acknowledge that. Don’t try to be cool— you’re not good at it anyway.


1 Comment

  1. Oof! The sexism is this one is strong.

    Men and women really don’t think that differently, even if we’re socialized to believe we do.

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