You may be thinking, WTF? This bitch isn’t even in college anymore. Rude, but, yes, my friend, you are correct…I am no longer in college and therefore do not have a Spring Break. BUT that doesn’t stop me from seeing the 8,000 Facebook statuses of my baby sorority sisters coming to the realization that Spring Break, and obviously, the diet that comes with it, is upon us.
Us post collegiate twenty somethings may not have Spring Break, but we do have something that is arguably much more serious: a beautiful few months we dream about all winter, where we get a chance to prance around and get all boozey in our itsy bitsy fabulous bikinis. How much better could life get?
Well, I’ll tell you how and it could get better!! And it directly pertains to those of us no longer in our “glory” days…AKA our bodies no longer naturally look like this:
Now that we’re a little older (silently sobbing into a bottle of wine) a lot more planning needs to go into prepping our bodies for bikini season – and since nobody likes you when you’re 23, and probably less as you age even more (paging the crypt keeper), you should treat Summer 2014 like you are on the fucking Bachelor.
To get a jump-start on Spring Break and the rapidly approaching summer season, I suggest you try some tricks of the trade:
DON’T BE AN IDIOT: Set some reasonable expectations; the likelihood of you ACTUALLY loosing 50 pounds in 3 months is rare, not to mention really, really unhealthy. Get an app like My Fitness Pal (seriously my life as an app) and set a goal weight. By honestly tracking your daily nutritional intake and exercise you’ll see the results you want without paying for a nutritionist and trainer. I say honestly because it seriously defeats the fucking purpose to lie about what you’re eating. NO ONE likes a liar, and NO ONE is going to lie to you when you complain about how you haven’t seen any results.
E-X-E-R-C-I-S-E: This is the single most frightening word in the English dictionary, but there are some ways to make it a little less terrifying. As the oh so famous (and right now, oh so hated) Woody Allen has said: “showing up is 80 percent of life.” Personally, I find this quote questionable because I have absolutely no problem leaving the gym to drive across the street and eat sickening amounts of froyo (at least it’s fat free?). Just do it – go to the gym and try REALLY hard not to leave for 30 minutes. A few things you already know about working out: it produces endorphins (so, like, everyone’s going to like you more – including you – because you’re happier), it tones your body (any exercise is better than none – tell that to your love handles when you try to escape the death grip of the elliptical) AND it helps your stress levels (thinking about being in a bikini is stressful enough, you could use the extra dopamine).
Fake it Till you Make It: Some of us are going to fail, duh, there aren’t enough lifestyle tips in every single issue of fucking Cosmo combined to keep us all on track. Eating healthy is hard and going to the gym is even harder, and though a healthy lifestyle is obviously better than a shitty one…it might take more than the fear of a few bad pictures to get us to change our ways. While embracing your natural physique, you might want to add a few quintessential accessories. Try finding some statement jewelry – such as cuffs and bangles to draw attention away from problem areas. If you don’t feel comfortable showing off your legs – long flowy empire skirts are a fab look. Last but not least, throw on a few coats of your fave nail polish and bring the bottle along for touch ups.
And hey, if all else fails, at least you’ll have your best friend Jose to cuddle with all night. So tell us, where are you off to this bikini season?