A lot happened during 2015’s “50 Shades of Why is Dakota Johnson at the Oscars” I mean the Oscars… First, Khloe Kardashian joined us for the red carpet over on E! and told us that Anna Kendrick’s dress was too “daytime” because the Kardashians live in an alternate universe where people wear ball gowns during the day. Giuliana Rancic explained to all of us what a “Flogger” is. We found out Margot Robbie (the hottie from Wolf of Wall Street) is 24 and immediately felt as if we’ve accomplished nothing in our lives thus far. Ugh. And we of course prayed that the celebrities would not melt as it was raining, and rain is something that is most definitely feared over in Southern California.
During the show, NPH joined us as host for the night and attempted to make this ongoing joke happen with Octavia Spencer and it just ended up being super awkward. JK Simmons told us to call our parents (BUT I JUST WANT TO TEXT!). Michael Bluth presented an award. People kept saying “Grand Budapest Hotel” and I kept laughing (it’s a funny name). Channing Tatum appeared on stage and I couldn’t keep my shit together. And then Joan Rivers was casually left out of the Oscars tribute and it wasn’t okay.
Despite what we didn’t like about the Oscars though, and what made us want to fall asleep, there was some classic moments. Here are our top 10 moments from the 2015 Academy Awards!
10. When the guy who won best director for a foreign film or some other random award talked through the “get off the stage” music. Just imagine what Kanye West would do if the “get off the stage” music came on for him…
9. J-Lo’s boobs. It’s J-lo’s boobs world. We’re just living in it.
8. NPH’s giant bulge. He is a packing a big one, my friends. Too bad he’s gay. ALL THE BIG ONES — I mean good ones — ARE GAY. Why.
8. Gaga’s Sound of Music performance. Wowwww girl can sing. It seems as though Lady Gaga isn’t the same Lady Gaga as she was before. She should prob consider changing her name.
7. Travolta touching Idina Menzel’s face. Remember last year when John Travolta introduced Idina Menzel as “Adele Dazeem?” Well this year he came back and presented with Idina. And he touched her face a whole lot. It doesn’t get any creepier than this.
6. Everything is Awesome. The Oscars dabbled in acid last night with this ode to The Lego Movie. It featured my boys, The Lonely Island and everything certainly WAS awesome until the song is still stuck inside my head today. Help.
4. Oprah. YOU GET AN OSCAR. YOU GET AN OSCAR. EVERYONE GETS AN OSCAR!!!! Or a lego Oscar. Or Legoscar. Same thing.
I think they gave Legoscars to those who weren’t actually going to receive Oscars. For instance, Emma Stone. Hey gurl heyyyyyyy.
Also, can we talk about what the fuck Channing Tatum is doing with his Legoscar here?
3. John Legend and Common. “Glory” is quite possibly the most inspiring and badass song ever. Everyone cried. Chris Pine cried.
Basically, I saw David Oyelowo crying so I started crying. And also, we learned that Common’s real name is Lonnie Lynn after they won for best original song. Lol.
2. Patricia Arquette’s acceptance speech. First of all, I loved Patty in Boyhood and was so happy she won. Second, EQUALITY FOR ALL. You go Patricia Arquette.
1. Meryl’s reaction to Patricia Arquette. Meryl may not have won an Oscar this year, but she won the Oscars. Meryl Streep loves feminism more than you. Sry.