We say we want to have sex all over the place. We want to do it on the kitchen counter. We want to do it on the floor. We want to do it on the desk chair. We want to do it on the couch. But let’s be real. When it comes down to it, where do we do it? The bed.

One time I started having sex on the couch and felt something on my ass. After a few minutes, I was like “hey, wtf is that.” I felt around and realized it was crumbs from the rice cakes I was eating 10 minutes before. After deciding it didn’t feel too good, I asked to go to the bedroom.

“But we always do it in the bedroom.”

“Umm, and when we don’t do it in the bedroom, we do it on the couch.”

“But the couch is sexier.”

“And the bed is more comfortable.”

“Come on, Sam.”

“Why don’t we do it somewhere different. Like the floor?”

“Yeah!” Pause. “Wait. The bed is actually a lot more comfortable.”

And so we went to the bed. We always go to the bed. It’s like home base. We have sex there. We sleep there. We watch TV there. We sometimes eat dinner there. I write there. It’s a really comfortable place. So combining the fact it’s comfortable with the fact it’s home base, makes it the mecca of sex. The go-to place to make love… or whatever you want to call it.

But because we “always” have sex in bed, we “always” say we want to have sex elsewhere. The bed is boring. It’s overdone. It’s the same thing over and over again. SO, we fantasize about newer, cooler places to have sex. We talk about doing it in different places around our homes, in public, in our cars. But, like, when it comes down to it… there we are… fooling around in bed… because it’s there, we’re there, and bam — that’s how it goes.

Maybe you feel the same way as me, or maybe you have better success than me out-of-the-bedroom. But for the majority us, maybe these “sex scenes” will resonate with you. It’s like yeah, I would LOVE to have great, fantasy-worthy sex in the shower… but when does that actually happen?!

The shower.

The shower is one of those places that sounds awesome, but when it comes down to it, isn’t all that great. Yeah, it depends on what kind of shower you’re in… but it’s very rare to have access to a “sex shower” on the regular. And even when you do, this scene may ring true anyway.

“Okay, so you go there… and I’ll go here…”

“But I wanna be under the hot water!”

*Awkward circle turn around in narrow shower-tub.*

“But now I’m cold.”

“Oh my god. Just kiss me.”

*Some kissing, some touching, mostly wiping of wet eyes and trying to block the water from attacking your face. And mouth. Like, where is this water even coming from?*

“I’m still cold.”

“What if I sit down?”

*Sit down. Attempt sex. Butt slides off seat.*

“Man down! Man down!”

“Get back up. Let’s try again.”

*Try again. Fail.*

“This isn’t working. Can I just wash my hair?”

“Sure. I’ll wash mine after.”

He gets out. You wash your hair. Back to normal. Oh well.

The Car.

“Okay. So… where do you want to do this? Back seat? Front seat?”

“Just take your clothes off.”

*Takes clothes off. Makes out. He tries to get on top, but then realizes he needs to climb over the middle to get to your seat.*

“Uhh, how should we do this?”

“Lets just go in the back.”

*Both of you awkwardly climb into the backseat. It’s not a pretty sight.*

“So, like, should I lie down?”


*You lie down with your head against the door. It hurts. You start fooling around. You try to move your body.*

“What are you doing?”

“My head hurts. It’s, like… It keeps hitting right there.” *Hits head against door to show.*


*He continues to fool around with you, ignoring your pain, while you still struggle to make yourself comfortable. It’s not working.*

“Hey, why don’t we try this.”

*You attempt to get on top and give him head. He enjoys until he starts squirming around having the same head-against-window problem as you.*

“Can you just come up here?”

*You start having sex. Your bodies keep trying to move to remain comfortable though.*

“Can you move like… right there? Yeah, that’s good.”

“But now I’m uncomfortable.”

“Okay what about this?”


*Way too much talking is going on right now instead of sex. It’s not right.*

“Okay, maybe this just isn’t working.”

You’re right it’s not working. You’re in a car. Your body is longer than the backseat. Sure, you can make sex happen — but don’t expect comfort.

The Floor.

*You are having sex, and you are on the bottom. At first it feels good, but then the hardness of the floor starts to get to you. You try to flip him over. He doesn’t budge*

“Hey, do you think we could change positions?”

“Why? This is great.”

“For you it is. Can we switch?”


*You switch*

*Eventually, legs are everywhere and your right one starts to hurt.*

“Stop for a second.”

*You grab your right leg and see… dun dun dun… rug burn. It KILLS. He doesn’t see this because he’s just tryna get his dick wet. He tries to put it back inside.*

“Hey! Don’t you see what happened to my leg!” *Show leg.*

“Oh shit.” *Tries to put it in anyway.*

“Whoa! Let’s go to the bed.” 

Men don’t seem to care about pain during sex. It’s like they are immune to pain when their dick is being pleasured. We – females – are never immune to pain though. Sorry.

The Beach.

I have always been one of those people to fantasize about sex on the beach (I mean, I love the drink). But in actuality, I’ve never had sex on the beach, and I imagine it’s not as comfortable and awesome as T-Spoon’s 90s hit claims it to be. When I’m in pretend-land I picture two people making love on a towel surrounded by sand that makes absolutely no contact with the towel with the sound of waves hitting the beach playing over and over again in the background. But when I come back down to the real world, this is what I picture.

*You’re having sex. You keep putting your hand under your ass trying to wipe away sand.*

“Do you feel sand on your body?”

“Umm, no.” Quiet. “How does that feel?”

“Really good.” Pause. “Ohmygod. Do you see a person over there?”

“I don’t think so. Stop being so paranoid.”

*You continue having sex. But then he sees something too.*

“Oh wait. I think I see someone too.”

“Do you think they can see us?”

“I don’t know. Who cares?”

“I care! They could take pictures of us! Or we could be a viral video tomorrow.”

“So what? Let’s hurry up then. Get on top.”

*You get on top. All of a sudden, the wind blows a whole bunch of sand in your face.*

“Are you fucking kidding?!”

“What??? What! Are you okay?”

“I got SAND in my EYE.”

*You stop thrusting, so he continues to on his own from below.*

“Seriously, can you fucking stop? I have sand in my eye. And, like, probably in my vagina too. I want to go inside.”

*You get dressed and proceed inside to a bed to finish.*

Once again, men care more about getting off than what might have gotten on them in the process. Us girls though, NO THANK YOU.

People are really selfish during sex. All they care about is their level of comfort and how good they feel. Maybe if we all weren’t so selfish during sex, it would be better. Or maybe if we weren’t so tired from working all day and had energy to be more creative in the bedroom (or outside the bedroom), sex would be better. But in reality, sex is pleasure. And pleasure means comfort. Both parties aren’t going to be comfortable the entire time while fucking on a chair. Someone’s foot might fall asleep… someone’s leg might start having a charlie horse… and someone’s arm might become suffocated under a body. Sex sure feels good, but when it comes down to it the comfort of sex-in-the-bed is the best. We can keep fantasizing, but in reality sometimes our sex dreams just won’t come to life.


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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