Pretty Little Liars Recap: Fatal Finale (We don’t know what’s happening anymore either)

Before I get into this, can we talk about how warm it is in Pennsylvania on Thanksgiving? Oh, it’s not actually this warm? Only on Pretty Little Liars? Okay. TOTALLY BELIEVABLE ON TV THOUGH…

Moving on…

I decided to write a recap of the #FATALFINALE because why not. It’s been a while and I know you missed me (xoxo, S).

Aria

Whaaaaaaattttttt happened to Aria being done with Ezra because he used her to write a book for a year and he’s, like, 50 and he’s kind of a giant sketch ball? Now she’s carving pumpkins and making pie with him like nothing happened??? And then it’s totally fine for her to hug him – romantically – in public (at the end of show when he was comforting her in the street)????? Why is this man still not in jail? I mean, I assume Aria is still 17. As we now know, it’s only November of senior year… THIS IS ILLEGAL PEOPLE. WHY IS ARIA’S STATUTORY BF INVITED TO THANKSGIVING?!

Hanna

<3 Haleb <3

Hanna IS Summer Roberts. She supposedly aced her SATs and is now really smart even though she lacks common sense and talks like an idiot. She will now probably go to an Ivy League college and piss Spencer off who has not been accepted anywhere. Ummmm, WE ALL KNOW WHERE THIS IDEA CAME FROM. Way too familiar to the place in my heart that still beats 24 hours a day 7 days a week for The OC.

Spencer + Toby

As of tonight, PLL has transformed into a really bad porn. Just wanted to make everyone aware incase they didn’t get the memo when Toby legit role played in Spencer’s kitchen as a “sexy cop.”

But did we really have to set him up for a car crash right before a commercial break in an episode called “fatal finale?” Like, did they really think we were going to believe that they chose our last memory of Toby to be him struggling to be sexual as Mr. Officer. NO. I mean, really, what was the point of the suspense? It didn’t even drag on. We came back from commercial break and BAM – Toby’s sitting in a wheelchair in a cast. They didn’t even make a lesson out of the problem of using your phone and driving. PLL certainly didn’t put Family in ABC Family guys…

Emily

First things first — go away Paige. Why are you still lurking? Emily would have recieved 10 points this episode for her “This Girl Loves Christmas” shirt (which she would have been very cold in if it was actually Thanksgiving), but then she had to get back with boring Paige. Negative 10 points. Ugh.

Also, Emily sucks at lying. Like try and make Alison think you’re NOT afraid of her… really.

Spencer

Spencer is basically fucked, but she kind of deserves it. Like WHY did she even go back to Radley? Why did any of them go back to Radley? OH THEY SUSPECT ME OF A MURDER? LET’S GO TO THE PLACE WHERE THE GIRL THEY THINK I MURDERED USED TO LIVE/STAY/WHATEVER.

No you morons. Just stay put. Sit on your laptops for a few hours and binge watch a fucking show on Netflix. Scroll through your Insta-feeds for endless hours at a time. BE TEENAGERS. Seriously.

Anyway, there is obviously there is some sick twisted multi-affair storyline brewing between all the adults in this series. As we know, Spencer’s dad and Mrs. D had a child-of-cheating together (hi Jason) and THEN Mrs. D apparently had an affair with someone else — this Bethany girl’s father. IS MRS. D ALSO BETHANY’S MOTHER? Is Bethany’s father Alison’s father? Are Bethany and Alison twins? Did they parent trap it?!?!? But, really. It’s the only rational reason of Alison luring this random to Rosewood/Radley and then wanting her killed. Except… how many illegitimate children does Mrs. D actually have? And how did she get away with all these affairs/giving birth to random kids. If I was Alison and my mom was the town’s child bearing bicycle, I would be a crazy bitch too. Sooo we forgive you for being a psychotic nightmare. Just kidding! ALSO – WHAT ABOUT TOBY’S MOM? Did Mrs. D and Toby’s mom conceive Bethany Young together through In Vitro??? HOW WILL THIS ALL MAKE SENSE?

But back to Spencer being screwed — There’s a video of Melissa confessing to killing Bethany, but that’s probably stolen by now. And there’s an audio tape of Bethany Young saying she knew Alison, but now Alison (???) brutally murdered Mona who had the tapes and all the info and most likely put the info in her latest lair or burned it to a crisp, because you know — these are the lives of a bunch of 17 year olds. It’s fine. So now that there’s no evidence (as far as we know) connecting Alison to Bethany because the moron liars fucked themselves over per usual, THEY IS SCREWED. Or maybe not because the cops had to have listened to these tapes from Radley already, right?? They are cops. They should be smarter than a bunch of high schoolers who go to school with fresh blowouts everyday. #TheyWokeUpLikeThis

Also, the police think Spencer killed Bethany to “gain favor with Alison.” However, if that was the case… 1. WHY would Alison want Bethany killed?, 2. Isn’t it a problem that Alison would want Bethany killed?, and 3. How would Spencer even know that Alison wanted Bethany dead, unless she like asked her to kill her??? So… this makes no sense.

But does anything make sense on PLL? Not really. Like, why is no one Jewish on this show? Because I’m 95% sure 85% of PLL’s fan base is probably a bunch of Jewish teenage girls.

Alison AKA… A?

Is Alison A? Is Alison not A? We have no idea.

All we know is that a blonde bitch with wavy hair killed Mona and then put her body in a trunk, because normal… and then Ali hid behind a car when Mona was pronounced dead at the scene of the crime and grinned. FUCK, YOU GUYS. Was the blonde Alison? Was the blonde one of her many minions that she stole for her army from Mona’s army? Was the blonde CeCe Drake?!? Was the blonde someone in an Alison wig and Alison mask, because let’s not forget — THOSE EXIST.

How can the cops not figure this shit out? HONESTLY, WHAT IS GOING ON. Get the FBI involved. How many people have been murdered from this small town in the past year? IT’S NOT OKAY. Is Rosewood the new Camden NJ? Get yo’ shit together and call Obama — or E! Investigates — y’all.

RIP Mona

Maybe Spencer can take her spots at the Ivy’s now? Or no – Maybe Hanna will.

GOODBYE MONA <3

IRL, this would make for the best Lifetime movie ever. I hope that’s how the series ends. The girls sitting in a living room on a couch with popcorn watching the TV movie based on their lives. Mind you, they will still be teenagers when the show ends. I will be in my 80s.

That is, if this series ever ends.

Will it ever end???

HELP.

Until Christmas…