Well, here we are. Back for the last first time (or so we think) – or at least until the first episode of ‘Pretty Little Liars’ season 7b, but that’s not a real premiere. This was (possibly) officially the last PLL season premiere. And last night I realized I’M NOT EVEN MAD.
This show has gotten so out of control and ridiculous that I can’t even handle it anymore. Honestly, I’ve grown so close to these characters that I would watch a show about their lives if a murder mystery wasn’t involved and an evil person wasn’t trying to kill them. I’m just getting sick of the unrealistic-ness that is taking place. Like, don’t these people have anywhere to be? Do any of them have jobs they are committed to? How do they have money? Didn’t they make ANY new friends in college? I want to see them progress in life, not keep being tortured by unrealistic villains. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, Hanna’s friends had 24 hours to save her from getting murdered and they pretty much just fucked around for 18 of those hours. Basically, ‘Pretty Little Liars’ is actually one giant PSA that millennials are way too self-involved. These characters literally suck at friendships.
Anyway – here is your recap, by character.
Hanna
Can we please talk about how hot Ashley Benson looked like last night? Like, girl was being tortured and still managed to look absolutely fierce. First, there was the picture of her held captive that was sent to her friends to ‘scare’ them, but honestly, all it did was give Caleb a hard on and persuade him to try harder to #SaveHanna. Clearly, he wants to tap that over Spencer, but wouldn’t we all? I mean, Troian is hot, but Spencer is kind of the worst, and two words: Ashley Benson.
Anyway, I applaud Hanna for escaping that place, but it was probably the most pathetic, cliche thing I’ve ever seen on TV when she just missed Caleb as he was driving away. Next week we’ll find out what happens in the car with her and Mary Drake, although it seems like she is just going to put a blanket on her and take her home. #Lame.
ALSO – Where the F is Hanna’s fiance? Hasn’t he noticed she is MISSING? Hasn’t Hanna’s mom noticed she is missing? Why has no one called the cops? HOW CAN I BELIEVE IN A SHOW THAT IS SO FALSELY REPRESENTING LIFE IN 2016? WHY DON’T THESE GIRLS USE SNAPCHAT OR INSTAGRAM? I’m sorry but Aria would be such an insta-whore, so WHY are they not milking this? And Hanna is literally a fashion girl, so where is her fashion blog?!?!?!? Your move, Freeform.
Alison/Mary Drake/Dr. Rollins
From what I got from next week’s preview, it looked like Mary Drake was telling Dr. Rollins (is he definitely a doctor or was he pretending?) that he had gone too far, so I assume Rollins is the ‘big bad‘ in the words of the great I. Marlene King. If I’m getting this right (which is doubtful, because when has the audience ever been right?), Mary Drake just wanted the girls to find out that Alison definitely killed her daughter and now that she knows, she wants to let Alison rot in the insane place. But now, Rollins is trying to make her time rotting away a living hell, which is ‘going too far.’ AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT, or am I totally wrong? Will we ever even find out?
Also, we still haven’t caught up to this moment that was previewed at the end of SEASON 6A. Is the ‘he’ they are referring to Rollins? When does this clip even happen? Are they just going to pretend it never happened? I mean, it’s possible seeing as they never touched on the GHOST that appeared in Hanna’s house and talked to her mom back in the day. Speaking of her mom, WHERE ARE THE MOMS?
Spencer
Spencer might be book smart, but she is really just an annoying, oblivious suck up who tries too hard at everything – school, boys, impressing parents, etc. I kind of feel bad for her, especially because she’s totally going to lose Caleb to Hanna and they probably won’t be able to be friends again because that’s just awkward. Unless, of course, end game is Caleb and Mona, which could only bring Spencer and Hanna closer together, but I guess we’ll see. What I HOPE doesn’t happen is Hanna/Caleb and Spencer/Toby ending up together because that would just be way too cliche. So uh yeah, someone is going to get hurt.
Also, Spencer totally has a twin. When she appeared in Hanna’s ‘dream,’ it couldn’t have been a ‘dream.’ Dreams are never dreams on PLL. Every time the liars thought they saw someone, they really did. Except for that ghost – unless Ashley Marin can see dead people, or maybe the little girl wasn’t dead. Maybe she’s someone’s daughter. Plot twist.
It might seem like there are way too many twins on PLL, but that was the story line of the books so I get it. Also, Spencer could possibly be this Mary Drake’s daughter and could in fact be related to Alison, which is so twisted because her dad had a child with Jessica DiLaurentis. But maybe he thought Mary was Jessica when they slept together? Who knows. And if Spencer is a twin, maybe Mary Drake took one of the daughters and Spencer’s dad took the other, like ‘The Parent Trap.’ This theory is so twisted and weird, but twins fun in families, so you get what I’m saying right?
Aria
Okay, where do I start? Liam sucks. I left the TV on during that new Amanda Knox show that came on after PLL and there was a sneak peek for next week where Liam was rude to Ezra. Go away, Liam. Aria and Ezra have history, and yes, it’s super fucked up because he was her HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHER, but they just wrote a book together and fucked, so chances are your chances with Aria are over. And if they aren’t, then Aria is just stupid.
You can’t write a book with your ex, have sex with him, and then go back to your boyfriend like nothing happened. Or actually, you totally can. But in this case, I would prefer Aria just move on to someone she doesn’t work with or go to school with.
Emily
Em’s allegiance is clearly with Alison. I mean, she was going to keep the fact that Ali KILLED someone (well, we don’t that for sure) a secret so she wouldn’t get hurt, but was going to let Hanna get murdered for doing nothing? How did no one pick up on this? Why is everyone okay with the fact Emily said that?
I get that Emily is in love with Alison, but ugh. She is married. Also, why does every lesbian on PLL like each other? It’s not like every straight man and woman is attracted to each other, so why do they make it seem like every lesbian is attracted to each other? Emily needs to MOVE ON, for her future and for her storyline. I miss watching Emily be a badass and deal with lady problems. Can we have the interesting Emily back?
As a sign off we’ll leave you with the best line from last night’s episode, said by a doll: “Tick tock, bitches.”
Lol. For days.
