Thanksgiving Eve is finally here. You just have to get through a couple hours of work and then it’s time to get wastey wastey for… the drunkest night of the year.

Side note: I do not think Thanksgiving Eve is the drunkest night of the year. The drunkest night of the year (so far) was the night I somehow managed to drink enough alcohol to wake up surrounded by clothes that were once in my bureau with throw up on the ground next to me… with more throw up on the other side of the room on the floor next to the bed… and more throw up on the rug in the bathroom… and more throw up, that I discovered 3 days later, in the drawer in my bureau which I took all the clothes out of that I woke up on. I was in bed for approximately 36 hours after that event. I could not be that hungover on Thanksgiving ever, or else I would not make it to Thanksgiving… therefore making Thanksgiving Eve NOT the drunkest night of the year. But anyway…

Here are some questions that I, a person in her mid-late 20s, have about the “holiday,” because we all know Thanksgiving Eve has managed to become a holiday. Happy Drinking.

Should I Go Out This Year? 

Ever since you left for college, Thanksgiving Eve has basically been the best night of they year. You were home. All your friends were home. You went back to the comfort of your friend’s basement drinking cheap beer laughing about high school memories. You got to see all your friends’ parents and brag about the awesome time you were having off at college. And when you were finally of age, you got to venture to your rowdiest townie bar (which let’s be serious — isn’t that rowdy) to realize “I DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO TALK TO ANY OF THESE PEOPLE, WHAT WAS I THINKING” which led to you taking a multitude of shots and downing a serious number of red bull vodkas until you mistook your drunken stupor for “having fun” and decided to do it again next year.

However, do I really want to do it again this year? A lot of my friends aren’t even around. They were the first couple years for Thanksgiving Eve, but then some decided to stop coming home and start going away. Oh, and do I really want to go out after work tonight? It’s raining. And do I really want to risk being hungover in the morning? I have to cook, like, all this food tomorrow. Ugh. If growing up means fearing hangovers, then I am definitely growing up. Or maybe I just fear hangovers ever since I woke up in throw up land (see 2nd paragraph of article).

Am I Too Old For The Reunion?

You’re at a weird age. You’re still young, but if you go to a place where people who were in middle school when you were a senior in high school are DRINKING, you might feel really old. And that would happen tonight. Because people such as my little brother, who was in 8th grade when I was a senior in high school, will be spending his first Thanksgiving Eve at the local bar. Is that when you stop going? Probably, right?

So Where Should I Go?

If I stop going to the annual high school reunion that is the local townie bar, then where do I go? Another townie bar? Or no, because all those bars are filled with seriously old people — like people in their 30s and DADS. Why isn’t there a townie bar that people who are between the ages of 24 and 29 can go to on Thanksgiving Eve? Because people between the ages of 24 and 29 have no interest in being around people they don’t actually like? Oh, right. That.

So do I stay at my apartment in the city? Do I go out in the city? Do I sit at someone else’s apartment or house?Do I stay in watching Modern Family/Full House reruns LIKE, WHAT DO I DO? I NEED SOME HELP HERE.

Even If I Did Decide To Go Out, How Would I Get There?

A 21 year old would obviously exclaim “DRIVE, DUH” — no questions asked. But someone in their mid-late 20s? No, no, no. We don’t drive. We take public transportation and Ubers. But, like, we can’t just take cabs around our suburban home town, or actually we can. My 16-year-old brother Ubers everywhere in my hometown. But that would be expensive, sketch, and weird. Even to go drink at a friend’s house. We would have to drive home. Suddenly, staying in the city and going home tomorrow morning sounds so much more appealing. I mean, who wants to sleep in a twin bed anyway?

How Much Should I Drink?

Even though you don’t have work tomorrow, it’s still a Wednesday… and part of you probably just wants to go to sleep. You also know you have to wake up super early tomorrow to do shit for your mom and it would be really immature of you to use the “I’m way too hungover” excuse in your mid-late 20s. Right? So you probably shouldn’t drink that much. And if you can’t drink that much, then you DEFINITELY shouldn’t go to your local townie bar (that would be awkward… and you know you would end up drinking way too much anyway if you did). So maybe you should do, like, a 6 drink minimum? Or 4 drink minimum? Or let’s be serious – no drink minimum. Just try not to be enticed by any shots of fireball thrown your way. And don’t drink any red bull vodkas. I repeat — DO NOT drink any red bull vodkas.

How Should I Deal With My Hangover?

So when you are inevitably hungover tomorrow morning, because there’s no way you can prevent it even if you try (I know you’re going to get a red bull vodka and take a shot of fireball tonight even though I told you not to… YOLO, right?), you better cure it fast. I can’t tell you how because if I knew how to cure a hangover, my life would be infinitely different than it is right now. Just make sure you eat a bunch of shit and drink a ton of water when you get home tonight. If you have to, boot and rally in the morning. And don’t complain. If you’re hungover, suck it up. You’re still in your fucking 20s. Pussy.


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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