New Years Eve. The holiday that’s only purpose is to get you drunk and leave you standing outside, freezing your ass off trying to find a cab ride home that doesn’t exactly exist because everyone in your entire city is trying to find one too.

I used to be a huge fan of New Years. Put on a fancy dress, eat lots of fantastic apps (for ex: pigs in a mother fucking blanket), stay up until midnight, and (when I learned of the greatness that is alcohol) drink champagne. I mean, who wouldn’t love a night that involves looking good, eating food, drinking booze? But as I got older, NYE became less fun and more work. And if there’s one thing I don’t want to do during time spent not at work… that would be work.

Before I was 21, there was no talk of what bar or club to go to. We didn’t have the big decision to make of attending or throwing a house party vs. spending money to go out in public. We knew we were going to some sort of house or apartment party, so we embraced that and dressed up anyway.

But once we turned 21, we became these snotty fucking assholes who didn’t think any prospective plans were good enough. And now that I’m in my mid-20s — it’s worse. So much so, that tomorrow is New Years Eve and I have absolutely nothing to do. Now, I could have already had something to do, but no. Every plan that was passed by me, I said “meh” to and waited for the next best thing to come along. But, like, what am I waiting for? To meet Jay fucking Gatsby and get invited to a party at his mansion, that is located near my apartment so finding a cab home won’t be a problem? Because that is probably not going to happen.

So what’s a 25 year old like myself to do on NYE? Here’s what the NYE planning process for someone in their mid-20s is like:

When should I have started to plan for NYE?

This question of “what are you doing for New Years” first popped into my head around Thanksgiving, as it does for most people. Maybe, like, two people brought up some sort of prospective plans and I was like “ahhh, the future, no.” NYE is so far away when Thanksgiving is on your mind. There was a ton of time to devise a plan. Or at least I thought there was.

Flash forward a couple weeks later and it’s almost Christmas. No one wants to think about NYE though because they’re too busy buying shit for other people and attending ugly sweater parties. When Christmas quietly crept up and said hello, suddenly the questions started swirling around via mass text and email chain. The conversations went a lot like this:

“What are you doing for New Years?”

“Idk, you?”


Maybe some people fired back with “I’m going to be in [another city visiting other friends because they didn’t want to wait for you assholes to make a last minute plan].” And good for those people. You can now ignore their texts and focus on everyone who will be around. But as for all of those people – they’re plan-less. And not helping your cause.

Should I go away?

After realizing that there was basically nothing to do, per usual, I dabbled in the idea of shipping myself off somewhere warm for the holiday (and never coming back… jk, kind of). I mean, I have time off of work. Should I really waste it sitting on the couch, binge watching Netflix, while writing articles that I’m not being paid to write? Or should I get off my ass and take it to Florida where the sun is shining and I can at least get my tan on while doing the above, so I don’t have to continue being this ugly pale ghost all Winter long?

Long story short – I was really into this idea until I saw flight prices for this last minute trip. I gasped, thought about it again, looked at my couch, and was all like ehhhh, maybe next year. I figured I could find something to do. It was New Years freakin’ Eve. Could finding plans really be that hard?

Where should you go?

As someone in their mid-20s, you don’t want to step foot in a place that will be full of annoying 21 year olds cele-ing their first legal NYE. But you also don’t want to find yourself in a sea of MILFs and creepy old men. That leaves you with very few bars to choose from. Most of which you can’t exactly afford.

So here are your options: expensive bar that includes a champagne toast, expensive bar that has some drinks included, cheaper-yet-still-overpriced bar that includes nothing, and your couch.

You really don’t want to make a date with your couch, but none of the options scream “SUPERFUN” and… no one will agree on anything.

Why can’t we all just get along?

But seriously. At this point, everyone wants to do something different. No one can agree on plans because everyone has NYE up on their own pedestal, which they have hand crafted to be something of their liking – and their liking only.

First, you have the single people vs. the couples.

People in relationships and people who are single have extremely different itineraries on NYE. Couples are slightly boring and although some may want to dance and rage, they are really just in it for the midnight kiss. Then, they can hop in the first cab home they see and go home for the first fuck of the new year.

But single people. No, no, no. They want to go somewhere FUN. And they Do NoOoOoOoOoT want to be around all couples. They need to go somewhere where they can either find a prospective midnight kiss, a prospective post-midnight fuck, or just be surrounded by other single people who ain’t kissing no one when that ball drops.

In addition to this, MONEY becomes an issue as well because – as you may or may not know – money is the root of all evil.

When in your mid-20s, it becomes clear that everyone is making extremely different amounts of money. You didn’t all just graduate anymore, so you’re not in that ‘I’m poor’ boat. Some make more than others, some live in cheaper places, some save money while others throw money all over the place. So what I’m trying to say is, some people will see no problem with the $95 bar that includes nothing… and other people will. Some will even see a problem with a bar that costs that much and includes drinks. No one can get along.

So, like, what now?

You’ve got a few days left to figure your shit out and not only will no one agree on any plans, you’re basically clueless as to what any prospective plans could be. Now that you’ve realized no one is throwing a Gatsby-like party at their apartment, and no bar-with-dancing is charging $30-$40 for an all you drink dance party, you are kind of depressed. All the options that have been thrown your way are “meh.” But you have to pick one.

What about a non-Gatsby like party?

The idea of a “house party” has most likely been thrown around your group of friends. But either no one wants to have one or no one’s apartment is big enough to host a party. As you continue texting all the people who you found out were going to be around on New Years, chances are you will find someone who will finally text you back that their friend is having a party and you can come… and so can your friends.

Finally – PLANS! But… you can’t commit. At least not yet. Because, well, even with one or two days left until the main event, you’re still searching for something better. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?


Come on, people. Just decide on a place. You have a little over 24 hours to craft some sort of plan. Whether it’s a fancy dinner, that random person’s house party, or one of the overpriced bars, just go with it. You may have built New Years Eve up to be this fantastic, awesome, amazing night where you will mingle amongst the stars and dance your ass off in a sparkly dress – but in reality, it’s NOT GOING TO BE LIKE THAT. I mean, some people have to work NYE day. That means to them, going out will be like a Friday. And who likes going out on a Friday? Not tired people who worked all day long.

But no matter what, just get together with whatever friends of yours stuck around to have no plans too and get wasted with them. I mean, if the plans you choose suck that bad, just get black out. You won’t know how much it sucked… and usually when I black out, I somehow believe I had THE. BEST. NIGHT. EVER.

So now that we have that covered, drink yourself into a stupor, throw up the next morning to jump start your 2014 diet, and start planning your next night out. It’s just a night out. Not a representation of how the rest of your year will be. YOUR NIGHT WILL NOT BE LIKE WHEN HARRY MET SALLY. Sorry

Happy New Years 20-somethings! Hope your night isn’t as bad as you think it will be.


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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