While having your heart broken really truly blows, heartbreak can actually be used in a positive way. At the beginning of my relationship with Jasper (name changed) everything was good, amazing even. I was riding this high that made me felt like the luckiest girl ever– never mind the fact that we absolutely nothing in common but our love for Taco Bell. As long as I was happy I didn’t care, and Jasper made me happy.

After a month or so of our relationship I began to notice how we never did much of what I enjoyed, it was always what he wanted to do, what he wanted to listen to and what he wanted to talk about. I just thought to myself, we’ll get to me eventually, right now I’ll enjoy him. But we never got to me, so I began to mold myself into what he enjoyed. I began to listen to obscure hipster synth music and I began to watch shitty documentaries about “art”.

I would go to these art shows with him and his friends. Always his friends, not once throughout our relationship did he meet any of my friends. Ever. I went to his friends parties, went on late night rides with them and had movie nights with them, but he never showed any interest in my friends. I was immersed in his world and he didn’t step one foot into mine; but I told myself that was okay because he kind of made me happy.

I soon began to have anxiety attacks and panic attacks towards the end of our relationship. I questioned whether this relationship was even something I should continue, but I pushed those thoughts aside and kept it going even though I could see that it was more trouble than what it was worth. When he finally called it quits because of “our different lifestyles” I was heartbroken; not because I loved him but because I depended on him for so much of my happiness. I didn’t know myself anymore. All my enjoyments had been suppressed to fit in with Jasper’s world; a world I didn’t have a place in anymore.

After what felt like weeks of being uninspired and heartbroken, I finally realized enough was enough. He’s living his life with no thought of me, so why am I wasting my time giving him any thought? I decided I need to get back to what makes me who I am. So I came up with these three small steps to focusing on myself after a breakup. I promise they work.



1.Back to Basics

I began to start watching the shitty reality shows I liked to watch before said relationship. Keep in mind I remodeled my likes and dislikes to fit my partners. I went back to eating the way I wanted and doing the things I wanted. Not all relationships require sacrifices like the ones I made; but I was so insecure with myself that I shouldered those sacrifices and cut off parts of myself to fit in with what my partner and their group of friends thought was cool.


2. Distract Yourself into Organizing

I decided to better organize my life and make goals that I thought would motivate and benefit me and my future. I started journaling and making weekly, sometimes monthly, goals, making sure I accomplished at least one a week or a month. I even got my license after several fails. I’ve learned that setting these goals could help distract from the heartbreak you may still be feeling; gives you something to put all of your energy into.


3. New Hobbies and Discoveries

I found new hobbies and discovered new things about myself. I became a vegan. I started writing more and found that I had more time to actually read the books I wanted. I learned things about myself that I would have never learned if I hadn’t been single. I honestly learned to love myself more and not take myself too seriously. Of course I date around and have some fun but I don’t spend my time worrying about whether I will find that perfect person; plus all the money you’ll save.


I am in no way saying being in a relationship takes away these opportunities, but depending on who you are being single can be a positive thing and can help you to be a better you. Who needs a man or a lady when you’ve got yourself?



24 year old living in NYC, trying to figure out my life and simultaneously bettering myself.

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