I left for college when I was 17. The day I arrived on campus, I was wearing a pink Lacoste polo and I had bangs. Gross. I clearly had a different idea of what looked good back then, and I definitely had a different idea of what was fun. That’s because I was a fucking teenager. Even when I turned 20 at the beginning of my junior year, I was still hanging on to my teenage years. It wasn’t until well after I graduated — maybe when I turned 23 — that I realized I was becoming an adult and shit had to change.

It took a while for things to really change after that, but now at 27, things have changed so much that I’m like what the fuck, who is this person staring back at me in the mirror because she looks like an entirely different person than the immature idiot who didn’t understand the concept of NOT blacking out.

Here are 13 things that were fun in college that sound absolutely terrifying now.


1. Meeting new people.

I loved people in college and I have no idea why. Now I enjoy being alone. I never ever wanted to be alone in college, except that week that I decided to binge watch season 4 of ‘The OC’ and locked myself in my room, but that was ONE WEEK out of four years.


2. Living with a roommate, as in a roommate that lives in the same room as you.

I mean, I guess my boyfriend is my roommate now. But he’s not a same-sex maybe-well-be-friends-maybe-not roommate. He’s a we-have-sex-so-were-going-to-share-a-bed roommate. In college, we lived in dorm rooms where we shared a room with a stranger or a ‘friend’ that we had only known for a short time. HOW WEIRD WAS THIS? HOW WEIRD IS THIS? That is an invasion of privacy if you ask me.


3. Keg stands.

Filled with cheap beer. I’m literally throwing up in my mouth thinking about it.


4. Funneling beers.

Never mind the fact that I haven’t touched a beer in years (I do cider as my casual drink, wine as my fuck off drink, and vodka as my lets get fucked up drink but I rarely have an excuse to do this now, sad face), I would never funnel anything. I like to ENJOY alcohol now, slowly. Which brings me to my next one:


5. Shots.

Even at 27, everyone still wants to do shots. Maybe it’s because the older we get, the more awkward we feel when out at da club (or the bar, because let’s be serious, who is going to the club anymore), but I won’t do them. Maybe I’m still scarred from the night I took a shot of Goldschläger and threw it right back up after my freshman year of college… or maybe shots were ruined for me when I took too many and woke up unaware that I got so sick the night before I wasn’t even aware of what was going on around me (also freshman year – class act). But again, I want to enjoy alcohol – aka I want to enjoy my wine. So NO, I don’t want to take a shot with you. Leave me alone.




6. Starting to drink before 9am.

Even going for a mimosa at 11am on a Sunday can be painful sometimes (I am the type of person who chooses to go grocery shopping or to work out instead of drunk brunch on Sunday, sue me). I couldn’t imagine waking up at the crack of down to make a rum and coke so I can be ~fucked up~ by 10am ready to be incoherent at a football game or a “street party.”


7. Foam parties.

Oh my god, this was arguably the most disgusting thing I took part in during college. Okay, that’s not true. But they’re up there. Damn frats.


8. Eating at the dining hall.

Unless the dining hall is Sweetgreen. If not, I have no interest in eating gross, processed food. I want to choose what’s for dinner. I want to know what I’m eating. I want to cook it myself. Or I want to go to Sweetgreen.


9. Going home for break.

Yes, having ‘break’ still sounds fun. But if I ever did get a ‘break’ from life (which doesn’t exist), I wouldn’t want to spend it at my parent’s house. I would either stay in my own home doing nothing, or I’d want to travel somewhere new. Don’t get me wrong. I love visiting my family, but thought of staying at my house overnight for a week is not ideal. It’s actually the opposite: terrifying.


10. Hanging out in an apartment or home that smells like something is rotting somewhere, which it most likely was.

Boys are gross. That is all. *has flashback to sinks filled with towers of dirty dishes*


11. Blacking out.

I want to know what I did and what I’m doing. Why did I used to think this was fun? I literally have no idea if it EVER was fun because, well, I was blacked out… so I can’t remember.


12. Studying abroad.

I would love to go abroad, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t want to study while traveling. In fact, I don’t want to study ever again. That was the worst.


13. Thinking about your future.

Thinking about the future was exciting in college. There were so many POSSIBILITIES! Now, there is only doubt, fear, and a serious lack of finances. We have learned the future is actually terrifying, and it only gets scarier with every day. Help.


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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