Welcome back to So…That Happened: Your Weekly News Roundup where, like mermaids learning to walk on land, we remind you that even though the world seems like a terrible awful place, we finally know who is going to play Christian Grey in the 50 Shades movie and we will all, therefore, be just fine. Let’s get started!

In international news, President Obama still wants to bomb the crap out of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad for (probably) gas attacking his own people. A lot of people don’t want the US to get involved, including most of Congress, a majority of Americans, Russia and the UN. Obama discussed the issue with his fellow world leaders at the G20 Summit and will address the nation later next week to further make his case.

Elsewhere in Asia, radiation levels at Japan’s Fukushima Power Plant, which was damaged by an earthquake and tsunami in 2011, have spiked, meaning we should maybe stop eating Pacific sushi. To contain the situation, TEPCO is building a 1-mile long underground ice wall around the plant–this will hopefully keep contaminated water used to cool the damaged reactors from leaking into the soil. As if Jon Snow didn’t have enough to worry about…

Human embodiment of a motivational speech, Diana Nyad, completed a 100+mile swim from Cuba to Florida this week. Not only is she the first person to make the journey without a shark cage, she’s also 64 years old and a total BAMF. It was her 5th time trying to complete the swim; in the past she had to stop because of jellyfish stings and bad weather, but nothing could stop her this time!

The August jobs report came out today and, shockingly, finding a job still sucks. The national unemployment rate is 7.3%, down just slightly from last month, but the decline could have to do with people dropping out of the job hunt. According to the Boston Globe, “Combined, June, July and August amounted to the weakest three-month stretch of job growth in a year.” This is probably because all the rich job creators were at the beach.

Finally, Tylenol is changing their packaging to remind us that if we freebase half a bottle of Our Favorite Little Pills we will overdose on acetaminophen and die. Did you know that acetaminophen is the nation’s leading cause of sudden liver failure (#themoreyouknow)? This is different from gradual liver failure (disclosure: made-up disease), which most twenty-somethings will endure tonight, tomorrow night and during Sunday brunch.  The label change mostly has to do with Extra Strength Tylenol, which if taken correctly (less than 8 pills a day) probably won’t hurt you, but seriously who takes less than 8 a day? No word yet if those of us who take handfuls of ibuprofen to combat a variety of invented maladies will now have to add sudden liver failure to our list of health concerns.

That’s all for this week! See you next Friday!

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