Welcome back to So…That Happened: Your Weekly News Round Up where, like an elite athlete who is still three and a half injury-fraught years away from the Olympics, we catch you up on this week’s biggest news stories so you can sound super smart when your coworkers talk about current events. You’re welcome.

First off, yay! the government shutdown is over! After 16 days, thousands of federal employees finally returned to work (and those 500 unanswered emails). The end of the shutdown also meant the reopening of our national monuments and museums and funding for numerous federal programs. More importantly, the Panda Cam is back.  In total, the shutdown  only cost us about $24 billion. What a bargain.

Hold up, guys. Not to harsh your mellow so soon, but the new legislation only pays our bills until January 15th, during which time Congress will need to negotiate our budget for the entire fiscal year  (and probably raise the debt ceiling again). Coincidentally, three months is exactly how long it takes to carve a canoe out of hardwood, in case you wanted to say screw it and paddle away.

Two major(ly depressing) stories in teen girl news. First, two girls (ages 12 and 14 #whatthehelliswrongwiththeworld) were arrested this week on aggravated stalking charges for their part in the death of Rebecca Sedwick, a Florida teen who killed herself after enduring months of girl-on-girl bullying. In a sure sign that the internet is making it possible for teenagers to be extra horrible to each other, Sedwick was harassed by as many as 15 girls online and via text with such gems as “Can u die please?”, “You should drink bleach and die” and “Go jump off a building.” Sadly, the latter is exactly what Sedwick did.

Your other ugh-worthy teen girl story this week: the Maryville rape case. In case you haven’t heard about this story, a judge in Maryville, Missouri has asked prosecutors to re-examine the alleged rape of 14-year old Daisy Coleman and her 13-year old friend by two 17-year old boys back in 2012. The initial charges against the boys were dropped, but following widespread publicity, including a social media campaign by Anonymous and a CNN interview with Coleman, the County Prosecutor has decided to look into it again. Is this going to be the next Steubenville? If the attention keeps up, yes.

In sports news, baseball is happening I guess. Here’s a guy in a bear suit dancing on the Cardinals dugout during their playoff game against the Dodgers. PS. he’s not a mascot. He’s just a fan.

Terrific news for spinsters with three or more cats: you can now purchase wine for your feline best friend! Perfect for all the ABC’s (the Anniversary of the day you and your fluffy love muffin met at the shelter, the Birthday party for your cuddly wubble-bubbins, and Christmas with Santa’s furriest little helper), cat wine contains grape juice, vitamin C, and catnip. Obviously, this is from Japan.

That’s all for this week! If you need me, I’ll be getting drunk with my cat. Because it’s Friday.


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