1. So you inadvertently snoozed your alarm 12 times in your sleep…
I just love that feeling of having 8 extra minutes of blissful rest.
2. You can’t find a decent outfit and end up ravaging through your entire wardrobe.
…only to put on the first outfit you tried on originally.
3. Your hair is doing that thing where it looks like you were secluded on a deserted island for 8 months and the only hair products you had access to were salt water and wind.
And no, you can’t pull that off.
4. You are faced with the decision to shower so you don’t smell dead or put on makeup so you don’t look dead.
5. Solution: You shower now and put on makeup in the car.
…because you can probably put on mascara while operating a large vehicle without gauging your eye out.
6. The outfit you were going to wear is wrinkled as shit so now you have to iron it.
WHERE IS YOUR MOM? OR DOROTA?
7. The iron is taking about 100 minutes to heat up so through simple prioritization you conclude your clothes will probably de-wrinkle in the car.
8. Suddenly all of your shoes are missing their pair.
Except of course your Aeropostale flip flops from sixth grade and your snow boots that have been missing for 9 months.
9. You forget how to dodge objects while walking.
10. Breakfast has now become a mobile process.
11. You can’t remember if you shut off your straightener.
12. You know for sure you didn’t shut off the iron.
13. You consider for a second the likelihood that the house would actually burn down if those two things were left on for the duration of your 8-hour work day.
14. You go to shut off the iron and see a shirt on the floor that appears less wrinkled than the one you’re wearing and decide to change.
15. You get so distracted by changing outfits that you still didn’t shut off the iron.
16. You cannot find your keys and think they may actually be hidden in the deep crevices of the couch in the basement because where the hell else would they be THEY ARE NO WHERE.
You’re too flustered to look so you grab the spare set and take off.
17. As your hand is on the doorknob, someone starts calling the landline.
…and you just have to make sure it’s not your boss telling you work is cancelled today.
18. The cell phone you once had in your hand five seconds ago is now gone, and when you call it you’re almost positive it’s ringing in every kitchen cabinet and drawer.
Do you hear that sound? Do you hear it!?
19. You’re now screaming obscenities because you’re way past the grace period you normally leave yourself to get to work.
20. You’re finally out the door, in the car, pulling down the driveway when you realize you left your lunch on the kitchen counter.
21. With bold courage, you sacrifice your hunger and eat a piece of gum.
Only to realize that was a stupid decision, because GUM ONLY MAKES YOU HUNGRIER.
22. Apparently all bikers have been collectively notified that you are in a rush and were instructed to flood the streets on your commute to ruin your life.
After you, douchebag.
23. You pass approximately 12 cops on your 15 minutes commute making it nearly impossible to achieve your ideal speed of 95 miles per hour.
Isn’t there greater crime going on than my somewhat reckless driving on back roads occupied by small children?!
24. Finally you get to work, and there is absolutely no parking, so you make a spot out of the small crevice next to the dumpster.
…and if anyone tries to ticket you you’re going to tell them to drop dead.
25. You get on the elevator, and as the door is closing 5 or 6 people you’ve never seen before pile in behind you and press 8 different buttons.
Now all you can do is stare in the depths of their soul with the eyes of disgust.
26. You have about 10 seconds from the elevator to your office door to come up with some one liner excuse to tell the receptionist why you’re late so they don’t flash their judge-y eyes at you.
Just avoid eye contact…
27. You slip into work sweating, wrinkled, and malnourished only to find that no one noticed you were late, your first meeting was cancelled, and your house is probably burning to the ground because you never shut off the iron.