The Bachelor Breakdown: All About That Lace

The insanely gorgeous and seemingly down-to-earth and normal Ben Higgins’ Bachelor season is finally here. The last Bachelor I found this attractive was Juan Pablo and we all remember how that turned out. Side note: Nikki Ferrell just got engaged to a JP look-alike!

Ben gets some words of wisdom from his parents and Bachelor alums Jason Mesnick (married), Sean Lowe (married) and Chris Soules (farmer).

We get to meet some of the girls: a military vet, a pair of twins, single mom and a woman who sleeps with chickens. They’re all drop dead gorgeous, 24 and totally ready for love. Of course each girl tries something bizarre to stand out upon meeting him, including a miniature pony, basket of bread and foot pajamas. Oh and someone who doesn’t speak English is in the mix.

And hold your breath here comes the shocking twist, two Prince Farming cast-offs are here to fight for Ben’s love! Virgin Becca (season runner-up) and Amber, who I remember from Bachelor in Paradise, but couldn’t tell you how far she got with Chris.

Based on the first cocktail party alone, we already have some Bachelor House Superlatives:

House bitch (+ comic relief): Lace. She kisses Ben upon first meeting him, admits to being judgmental and better than everyone else.

House drunk: Lace. She gets super hammered on night one.

House psycho: Lace. She belligerently fights for time with Ben (and later with Ben) and drunkenly declares he is her man and no one else’s.

House shit-starter: Lace. Drunk. Psycho. Bitch. Also, Ben had to tell her relax and stop trying to make out with him in front of all the other girls.

CALM DOWN LACE. Only time will tell if her performance was alcohol-induced or she really is nuts. She’s very Onion Ashley. Side note: Ashley S. got engaged too!

House crazy: Mandi. She’s a dentist, who is a self-proclaimed weirdo. She’s flighty, random and couldn’t care less about anyone in the house (Ben included).

House bimbos: The blonde twins Emily and Haley. They’re so annoying, but I’m sure will be kept around (by the producers).

House sweetheart: Caila (pronounced Kayla). She’s a girl’s girl who seems completely ready to fall in love… with her future castmate BFFs.

After some entertaining conversations and having the “hardest decision of his life,” Ben selects news anchor and blonde bombshell Olivia for the first impression rose and Lace has fucking had it.

Breanna and Laura and a few others got sent home, which leads us to believe he does love gluten, but not red heads. Lace yells at Ben for not making eye contact with her during the ceremony.

Predictions:

• Frontrunners: Virgin Becca, News Anchor Olivia, Texas Jo Jo, Flight Attendant Lauren, Girl’s Girl Caila.
• The twins will be a package deal and will both go home the same week.
• Lauren gets the first one-on-one next week.
• Even though producers have a heavy hand in picking, I don’t see Ben putting up with Lace’s bullshit. She’ll go home quickly.