The Post-Grad Burn Book: 15. Amanda Bynes vs Lindsay Lohan

It’s hard to understand why someone would throw away success when our whole lives are built around striving towards it. We go to school for years (some longer than others) and eventually climb our way up the career ladder until we get what we want. Some people become successful before others and have the chance to build on that success and keep getting richer happier.  Such people being young entrepreneurs, children of stars/already-wealthy people, and… child stars.

Now why is it that these child stars turned 20-somethings have nothing left to strive for except… failure? They have all the necessary means to become even more successful, yet instead they become f*cked up. They can’t handle not having the spotlight on them like it was before, so they will do anything for attention. Literally anything. This problem causes brawls between betchy 20-something ex child stars… And the person to f*ck up the most wins!

When Lindsay Lohan was a little girl, she was awesome, adorable, and smart (The Parent Trap is still a favorite). Fast forward a few years later… She turns hot, stars in Mean Girls, declares herself a singer, makes a CD, gets a boob job, gets a badass girlfriend, and BAM – girl is on drugs, in and out of rehab, and stealing shit. WTF.

For Linds, her behavior became our favorite car wreck. We couldn’t stop talking about her battles with drugs, her ano looking body, her trips to rehab, etc. We loved it… and so did she. The attention was comparable to the attention she got during Mean Girls, but she didn’t actually have to work for it.

After LiLo stole shit and actually had to sit in jail for a minutes, she totally changed her ways. She told us she wanted to be a serious actress. She stopped partying… as much. She was a brand new person (minus the fact her parents are still f*cking nuts). And she was doing okay for a while until someone tried to steal her thunder…

That person being Amanda Bynes who has gone LiLo-style out of control…

Amanda Bynes: A once cute slash semi-annoying Nickelodeon actress. Ran into a couple of police cars while drunk. Talks to inanimate objects. A train wreck begging for attention. Face looks greasy in mugshot picture. Fat cheeks make her look like she just got her wisdom teeth out… every day. Do NOT trust this girl – She is a TOTALLY WASHED UP CHILD STAR.

After Amanda turned 21 in 2007, she told various media outlets that she would NEVER become one of those wild Hollywood stars (coughLindsaycough). She deemed herself a good girl who didn’t like to drink because it’s bad for your skin and gives you hangovers (boo hoo). Two years later she started going out and having a drink or two on occasion because she realized at her age doing that was necessary to like meet guys and stuff. The next year, Easy A came out… and right after that, Bynes announced via Twitter that she was ‘retiring’ from acting. After she realized no one cared that she was quitting the entertainment industry, she ‘unretired’ a month later. But she didn’t actually start acting again.

After being MIA for like two years (oh and dating Kid Cudi… hmm I wonder where her new found love of drugs came from?!), Amanda reemerged… in the news. In April 2012, Bynes got a DUI after hitting a police car (really?). But she was let out of jail without having to post bail the next morning because the cops probably thought she just had a bad night. Amanda Bynes is a good girl, right? Wrong. Less than two months later, the attention hungry Bynes struck again and got another DUI and refused to do what the police officer said. But umm, you guys let her go without bail last time. You basically made her think she could do whatever she wants and get away with it… so good job.

In addition to the DUIs, Bynes was charged with two different hit-and-runs (one in April and one in August) and after all of this, she finally got her license suspended. But that didn’t stop this crazy odd-color haired celeb… She ended up getting her BMW impounded because she was driving around aimlessly late at night in an airport parking lot with a suspended license (Umm… wtf?).

On top of her legal troubles, multiple people have confirmed that she has legit gone crazy. She apparently locked herself in a boutique’s dressing room for almost two hours and then tried to walk out still wearing items without paying (LiLo complex?). She has been seen talking to herself and laughing hysterically on the elliptical at the gym (the change in speed can be very funny I guess?). A neighbor has even seen her have long conversations with inanimate objects (Hello tree, how was your day? Good? Mine too!). Like, WTF.

Not to mention, Bynes is lookin’ prettttty shitty in her mugshots. But let’s be serious – do celebs ever look good in mugshots? NO. I love how everyone is so stunned at how horrible celebrities look in mugshots. Like, THIS IS WHAT THEY ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE. You don’t get your makeup and hair done professionally for mugshots. They don’t photoshop mugshots. This is how it is.

LiLo recently spoke out via Twitter about her imposter, Bynes, saying that she better have to go to jail. If Linds had to suffer, Amanda should too. But did you really suffer Lindsay? Doubt it. There was, like, no room for you in jail.

Now Linds has taken it one step further. She hit a pedestrian, left the scene, and got arrested Wednesday night. Like didn’t you know, Amanda Bynes? Lindsay Lohan always does it better. STOP TRYING TO STEAL HER BAD GIRL THUNDER.

Amanda will be arraigned on September 27th and faces up to one year in jail! Will there be room for her? I guess we’ll find out soon. But for now, Amanda (please), embrace your celeb status even if you’re not as famous anymore and no one wants to cast you in movies. You’ve got it better (or at least you had it better) than most of us. You’ve got the money (unless you spent it all on coke), the fame, the fans (at least I think they still exist), and the means to have success again! But we aren’t going to follow your failure like we followed LiLo’s. LiLo was way more relevant when she started to rebel… and she had the cracked out fam to go along with it. You… you just shouldn’t be acting like this. Get your act together girl. No one is about to make a youtube video begging people to ‘leave Amanda alone.’ Why don’t you starting acting more like this again. We liked that better: