The Post-Grad Burn Book: 2. College Students

College students are everywhere. They’re in the dressing room next to you trying on clothes talking about last night’s one night stands. They’re at work a few cubicles down disguised as interns. They’re at the bar making you feel old. They’re walking down the street in front of you comparing fake IDs. They’re in line at the pizza shop by your apartment after a night out stumbling around. They’re working (hungover) at your favorite clothing store not worrying about a real job, but instead what they’re going to wear tonight. They’re basically pissing you off… everywhere you go.

As a (recent) college graduate, it’s hard to see college students and actually be okay with it. Whether you’re seeing them in person or on Facebook – or reading their ridic tweets on Twitter – they are a true representation of the life you used to have. The one you loved. They one you miss. And this is not okay.

Back in college, we had it all. Friends the next house over. Bars in walking distance. Classes that were jokes. Jobs that didn’t require thinking. Week nights that were spent drinking. Breaks that lasted from a month to four months long. Life was at it’s prime. But now, things are different. We have friends across the country, a few states over, or a few towns over. Instead of stumbling to an 8am class hungover smelling of vodka we have to get to work early and stay there ALL DAY – looking and smelling like an alert, young professional. We barely go out on the weekends anymore (okay, we do – but not both nights usually), never mind going out during the week. We have no Winter break. No Spring break. No Summer break. And if we want to take any days off to relax and clear our minds, we have to use VACATION DAYS.

Sure this might sound like it sucks, but it doesn’t. Okay maybe a little. But two years after graduating I’ve become, like, a real live person. I make my own money. I pay my own bills (okay, it’s not like a lot of bills). I can actually afford things without winding up completely broke. Oh, and I actually know that I don’t know anything. It’s a whole new world. And to see college students who think they know everything in their expensive, trendy clothes that they bought with the money their parents gave them for groceries… It stirs my pot of hatred even more. 1. You don’t know as much as you think you do. They don’t prepare you for what your actual job is going to be in college. That’s what training and orientation is for is for. 2. You can’t assume you know what you’re doing because you took Intro to (insert your desired field here). No. That’s not how it works. 3. You can’t assume you’re going to get a job no problem after graduation. Chances are you probably won’t… and if you do, you probably won’t like it. Your hours will suck. You’ll be cover letter-ed out. Your little degree isn’t going to make your life glamorous. We pretty much all have the same piece of paper. So-f*cking-what.

When I see college students roaming the streets, I think to myself ‘f*ck you.’ While they complain about the lack of things they have to do this Summer… and how BORED they’re going to be… and how they NEED to go back to school because they hate living at home… I die on the inside. Can you please shut up. Can you please accept the fact that you are living the dream right now. You are SO obnoxious and SO selfish. I mean, we weren’t this annoying when we were in college. You don’t care about anything except yourself. You have no concept of money, as it all comes from mom and dad and you don’t even PAY for anything. You are irresponsible. And, as I said before, annoying. Stop going to the same bars as us. You college girls look like you’re trying way too hard… Like, why are you all wearing the same outfit? And you college guys look like idiotic bros hitting on us post-grads. You’re, like, young. I mean, you lack a 401k. We would never go home with you. Sorry.

This is why we hate you, college students. You might think we are secretly jealous of you, but we swear we’re not. You’re amateurs. Talk to us when you have a full-time job, a closet full of both professional and fun clothes, a bank account full of your own money, and a knack for drinking without blacking out and surviving a day of work. For now you are just annoying fugly sluts who have absolutely no concept of the real world. Grow up, you whores. (JK you’re not whores – I just had a Regina George moment… but you still suck… you still annoy me… and therefore, I will forever hold a place for you in my own personal burn book).