Being almost-30 is kind of a game-changer. And when I say ‘almost-30,’ I mean anywhere within 2 years away from turning 30. For some reason when I was 26 and 27, I thought I was almost 30. Granted, I was closer to 30 than 20, but I was also closer to 25. I wasn’t ‘almost-30.’ Now, I’m one year away from turning 30, meaning I am legitimately ‘almost-30.’ How did this happen? Where did the time go? Why am I still a reckless degenerate? Help?
I’ve experienced a lot of changes in my 20s so far. The changes are still coming, and I still try to fight some of them off because I don’t want to admit my youth is almost over. But as I get closer to 30, it’s becoming harder to cling to my youth and pretend I’m still super young and hip (especially since I don’t know all of the songs in the top 40 or understand why some are on there). There are just things I really DON’T have the time or energy to care about now. Here are 10 of them.
1. Telling people ‘we should hang out’ that I have absolutely no intention of ever hanging out with.
If I actually say this to you now, it means I legit want to hang out with you. Like, I think you are a cool person (not that my opinion matters to you). Mazel.
2. Stalking old ~FlAmEs~ on social media.
Ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ghosts of hookups past, former crushes, one night stands, guy you met once and then figured out his last name based on three facts he told you about himself (wait i have no experience with this). These people are all in the past, and there’s not enough time to keep up with them on social media anymore (especially if they defriend you). I mean, there’s barely enough time to keep up with the people currently in my life on social media, never mind random dudes I haven’t spoken to in 5 years, although it is fun to see ya’ll on my newsfeed sometimes.
3. Spending hours rummaging through clothing racks at cheap retailers for affordable clothes that look expensive.
It’s not that I have all this extra money lying around to spend on more expensive clothes, but I’d rather buy pricier things that will last than always spend a TON of time searching for bargain buys that only last a season or two. Shopping smaller collections from retailers is easier than having to set time aside to invade TJ Maxx and Nordstrom Rack. This doesn’t mean I never invade TJ Maxx, Nordstrom Rack, and other such retailers (oh, I do), but I don’t do it as much as I used to. One place I actually won’t step foot in ever again though: Forever 21.
4. Wearing makeup and doing my hair every day.
I am unsure how I had the energy to put on makeup and blow dry my hair every day after showering through my teens and 20s, but now I really don’t give a fuck how I look most of the time. Who I am without makeup is literally who I am. I don’t need to put on makeup every day, so I don’t. This has made it more fun to actually put makeup on when I have a reason to, like when I go out over the weekend or have a special event at work. I also have zero time or energy to blow dry my hair anymore, so I just leave home with wet hair. It’s called not giving a fuck. You should try it.
5. Going ‘out out’ two nights in a row.
I can barely handle going out two weekends in a row, never mind two nights. And NO, ‘getting drinks’ is not included in this definition of ‘going out.’ I mean getting black out drunk, staying out until the bars close, spending the entire next day vomiting and sleeping–for two nights in a row. If you want to sandwich a ‘drunk as fuck night’ between two casual drinking nights, fine. I can hang. Just not like I used to. And not only because I physically can’t, but also because I don’t want to. *I realize I have no in between ‘casual’ and ‘black out’ and this may be a problem, but I haven’t reached my full adult potential yet. I will eventually figure out something in the middle, right? #DegenerateProblems
6. Getting too worked up over work.
Sure, I care about my career, but I’ve noticed the less upset I get about things at work, the easier work is. After all, work is just one part of your life. You’ve got friendships, relationships, family, fitness, hobbies, and other important things going on. It’s dumb to waste time getting upset about co-workers and complaining about office politics. Once you accept that work is just one part of the many parts of your life, the happier you will be, and the better things will be.
7. Smiling when I don’t feel like smiling.
In high school, I felt like I had this image I needed to live up to: a nice girl who was always happy. Lol. But then I got to college and realized I wasn’t that nice, so I really started leaning in to my true self, which eventually led to ranting on the internet after college, which led to this, so it’s safe to say I made a wise decision. I smile when I’m happy, and I don’t smile when I don’t feel like smiling. Get over it, man on the street.
8. Being nice to people I know talk shit behind my back.
Fuck being courteous. Fuck being the ‘bigger person.’ Fuck YOU.
9. Maintaining friendships with people who don’t bother to maintain a friendship with me.
A friendship involves effort from two people, not one. I’ve stopped putting in effort to friendships that I haven’t seen effort from on the other side, and it’s really interesting to see who’s stuck around. Of course, there are friendships I know I need to put more effort in, so perhaps I’m being a hypocrite here, but there’s just no time in the day to keep trying to make a friendship happen that just isn’t going to happen.
10. Caring what other people think about me.
The music I listen to, the TV shows I watch, the bars I like, the food I refuse to eat, it’s simple, IDGAF what you think ABOUT ANYTHING I DO. Lol, that’s not completely true (I still want to impress you guys!), but I don’t care as much as I used to about things. #Progress
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Yeah, I might have felt that way when I was 28 or 29. I was delighted with life in my thirties. I even continued through most of my forties, but when you start seeing 50 approaching, and believe me, time flies exponentially as we age, you start to realize that people like looking at you, not because of the qualities in your personality as much as that you are nicely dressed, well-groomed and polite and cheery.. People and tend to flock towards that. They don’t find anything heroic about those who don’t give a fuck. Who wants to be around someone who doesn’t bring anything but their selfish self, ‘in your face’, ‘what are you gonna do about it’ cloud to a gathering? No one. You just start looking like that cranky old crazy hag that yells at passers by while sweeping the front stoop in her ratty robe and scuffed slippers. No problem, it’s a good idea to express yourself, but no one gives a fuck that you don’t give a fuck, and they can smell it a mile away.
People enjoy people who can say, look how important you are to me that I bother to give you my best appearance for you to look at all night. Of course, I don’t have to look at me, so I don’t care what I think, but I do care that you enjoy the view and my ‘I DO give a fuck’ attitude. Why would you want your friends to have to explain why they hang around a bitter old character like you? you wouldn’t.
You don’t wear make-up because you can still get away with it. Once you see your grandmother in the mirror every morning, you’ll wish you kept up with makeup trends and kept your kit fresh. Makeup is too expensive to have to buy a whole new kit at once, clothes too, for that matter.
Forget about your personal choice in music when you are joined with others. They care about it as little as you care about theirs. There is nothing worse than being forced to listen to someone else’s “cool” music that they don’t know the tune or the words to. Music is very personal, that’s why the top 40s are always the music picks for parties. We all know the songs and that is how we bond. The not-so-familiar music is for your alone time in the car or at home like your private time with your mate. No need to share things that are not intimately significant to others like they are to you. You should never panic or worry about anything. Keeping sharp and in control is the only way you can be of help in a panicky, worrisome situation.
You should give a fuck what others think. That attracts others who do the same. You should be nice to people who are losers and feel they have to talk about you to feel better (that’s actually flattering), but it also lets them lose because they see how unaffected you are by their actions. Straying from your friendly ways just because someone has a sour opinion is giving too much power to an unwelcome character. A person shouldn’t be required to like you in order for you to be yourself. Being friendly is an expression of your own confidence despite what other people spend their time doing or saying. Nobody gives a shit if you get bitter enough to shout from the mountain tops how much of a fuck you don’t give about them. It’s loud, intrusive and leaves a nasty taste in the unwilling listeners’ mouths. If there is food you don’t like, gracefully decline it. If anyone gives you crap about it, gracefully smile at them nobly and say, I’m fine, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about it, while gesturing ever so slightly for them to walk away. Screaming about things only draw attention to the fact that you haven’t figured out how to control yourself.. Everyone knows what you mean, they just dealt with it already, quietly, when it happened to them.
Also, be kind and attentive to the elderly. Teach your followers how to treat you when it’s your turn. I never understood the universal cruelty to the elderly. They are next in line. It makes no sense. Be an example of how you want to be treated and let them learn from you.
So, I’m not sure that these things aren’t anything more than a phase in your ever-growing life. I can tell you, you will look back and see that it was just a growing pain that felt like conviction. Many of these things should have been understood before you were of drinking age. Getting drunk is not a sign of fun. It is damaging to your aging brain and other organs: skin, liver, bladder, kidneys… sure you feel fine now, but you don’t get a new package of body parts later and the ones you have from birth don’t forget what you put them through when you use up all of their resilience in your stupid youth. You only think you are strong because you are not smart enough to understand that people who have lived longer are smarter and their advice, though usually in vain, is brilliant. So, good on you for not caring for the stupidity of being a drunk in public with an obnoxious, polluting stench about you.
Be very careful about the attitude of “abundance” of people in your life that you don’t have time for. If you have to say, “let’s hang out sometime” that always means you don’t really see it happening. If it is really a desire, you would just hang out. It usually means that your friends are moving on and don’t really have time anymore. The older you, as a woman, get, the far fewer men hold doors open for you, or listen to anything you have to say, or give a shit about your input or opinion of anything. They are no longer impressed by your style, or think your personality is charming. When you make a mistake, you can’t giggle and enjoy your friends lovingly goofing around to make fun of you while you walk away feeling like a tough guy so “big deal if I said something stupid, everyone thought it was adorable.” No, no, no.. Laughing at your mistakes, or even reprimanding yourself or apologizing doesn’t get adoring responses anymore, they get eyes rolling and heavy sighs, and you know what that means, “stupid woman, get out of the way.” Pretty soon those friends with whom you did not want to hang out don’t look so bad. Why would you ever think about saying “Let’s hang out” to someone you have no intention of hanging out with in the first place? That comes off a cruel and unusual to me. It’s as if you don’t think some people don’t already know you don’t like them and would be much better treated if you didn’t play them for a fool. They know you aren’t sincere. Don’t come off like an arrogant ass. That should have never been a problem to resolve in the first place. A 5 year old knows that.
People who knew you when you were hot and looking not a day over 16 are far more accepting of your old lady personality than people who newly meet you, so don’t burn those bridges. Yes, you will be eyed up and down by hoards of 19-year-olds who snarl at you as if to say, “Mom, why are you here?” You will tell yourself that they are ridiculous, trying to look all grown up, and you laugh at them only to find every man you were about to approach (so you can show him that your stuff is still hot at 30 or 40) looks right through you and takes those goofy looking wanna-be 21-year-olds to his yacht and not you.
You will develop an attraction to 50 or 60 year old men and think it’s a whopping favor to them that you like them, but they want the 16 ti 21-year-olds too and that will burst your bubble of thinking that any old man would feel lucky to get you. They will get those young girls because they don’t care if they are being used, they just want the points for being seen with them.
You completely flip flop in terms of who has the power. When we were young we were spoiled with attention and willingness to put up with all of our annoying behaviors. Not anymore. You better be pleasant and agreeable as you can be or you’ll be shoved aside even farther than you naturally will be– even if you are a hot 50 year old.
All the knowledge and skills you worked all of your life to acquire will be obsolete and you will have to be laughed at while learning the new technology. You will feel useful and wise with so much to offer the youth who are growing up fast right behind you, but they are not interested in the way things used to be. They don’t even put any stock in what you know. You may think that you will always have help moving or getting a ride somewhere just because they adore you so much, just to hear them ask for money or something in return, or just flat out decline. Then you realize they will settle for you while they relentlessly work hard, earn money, buy a Corvette and take your best friend’s daughter for a ride in it. That’s about the time all your pubic hair has turned totally gray, your boobs are flabby and sagging and you are just starting to get a sex drive.
Learn how to give the best blow-jobs and that will keep some nice men around you. Other than that, trust me, no one cares what you don’t give a fuck about. You are just noise now for the rest of your life if you don’t learn a little patience and take up interest in people you used to write off as too boring. Many times they are not boring, so allow yourself to be surprised, pleasantly. I find it much better to be pleasant and fun to be around. Once you are written off as a stale old grump, there’s no going back. Many of the sour feelings you perceive from older people are most likely created by you in your aloof indifference to them as real people with the same determinations that you are fluttering about and trying to achieve with an attitude that they should help you or at least understand that your time is running out. No, they are just biting their tongues to keep from saying, “Um, hello? Mine’s running out too and faster than yours, so fucking calm down!”
And don’t get me started about trying to get a job in your late 40s or 50s. Don’t forget menopause where all of your worst features are on parade for too long to hide from everyone. So, think twice about tossing people to the curb who knew you when you were young and delicious to look at, because they are the only ones who will be able to see you that way when it all goes south. No new people will have any idea that you used to be cool because they can’t. They didn’t know you then (which is now for you) and believe me, time flies like a mutha fo, and the speed keeps ramping up till you die.
Be kind and accommodating now while you mean something to people. That will be better than any 401K or Roth IRA plan you invested in. You never know what they could and would have done for you later if you disregard them now. People may be feeling the way you do about bothering to maintain a friendship, and now you are separating yourself from them, doing exactly the thing you are punishing them for doing. Maybe they are struggling silently and they depend on your constant effort to maintain a friendship, which will be noticeable to them much later and they will put you on the highest pedistal for being there relentlesly. You could be reacting to something as if it is personal but it’s not. That makes you the fool, and the one person they know not tocount on. Friends let friends be distant if they have to be, for who- cares-how-long. Does it really take more effort to instigate the maintainence of a friendship than to make new ones? No. You do all the work because you can. They cant, and maybe for reasons that they don’t want to talk about. Maybe it’s important to them not to discuss it. But they are blessed that you are such a good friend that you make an effort and it carries them through. You will never know if you get insulted at their distance because you assume they are snubbing you. If they are truly friends, give them the benfit of the doubt. Remember, the ones who flaunt their carefree lives the most are usually hiding something very painful. Be kind, and don’t require a fanfare for your efforts to let someone you call a friend have their space without you having to disappear. We’re talking a payoff in as much as 30 years from now that will save your life.
Work sucks. Always. It gets worse. Never stress over work. It can fall out from under you at any moment and no one will care how good you were, only how freaked out you got under pressure. Be polite to everyone, especially those overt a-holes. It is a presentation of your character, not a reflection of what you think about them. When people witness you disregarding someone, it’s you who looks bad. They don’t know that the other person deserved it, and they won’t care. They will just see a sourpuss with rude behavior. Let them be the jerks. Keep your slate clean and lovely. That means smiling. You have a personal duty to keep your gripes well hidden and be pleasant in public.
Good on the decrease in drinking. There is no greater turn-off than a drunk woman. Learn how to entertain and be a charming woman. Have small dinner parties with close friends. It’s much more meaningful than a meat market. Besides, once you turn 45, you will be out of place and creeping the children (that’s what they will look like to you) out. Go to places where you expect to see people of all ages… beach, mountains, theme parks, museums… go to the ballet or opera, or the movies, or concerts of bands you like now to be around people just like you.
Don’t freak over long chin hairs popping up out of the blue, needing panty pads for something other than period leaking. If you are around other lovely women your age, you will have a good laugh about falling apart.
Exercise regularly to keep limber and protect you bones from being drilled into by your body for calcium that you forget to eat enough of, osteoporosis is real and rampant. If you are not in shape by menopause, and stay in shape through it, you will wilt like a flower. It dictates your mobility and speed of recovery from injury for the rest of your life. Don’t let yourself be a slow moving lump in public, you’ll be trampled. No fast-paced youth in his/her prime is going to give a crap about your aching bones, just that you are in their way. Keep your eyesight sharp and reflexes tuned or you will be a bane to traffic and crowded places. Don’t expect the Drs to take you very urgently. They see too many old people and most of them are just lonely and grumpy. They have to force a smile when listening to your growing-old pains. Don’t fuck up your ears either. There is no greater loneliness than not being able to hear the dinner table conversation. And people get offended when you seemingly ignore them, when really you just didn’t know they were talking to you. When younger people complain about getting old, refrain from topping them. They are freaking out and you will know just how they feel. I hope you get compassion for them so you can train them how to have compassion for you when they become your caretakers. All in all, we think that everyone should give a fuck that we don’t give a fuck, but they don’t. Being a joy to be around is all you got going for you in the end, unless you are very wealthy, then they are only nice to you for your money.
It is a sinking feeling when people give you the impression that you are great and they love being around your unique, against the odds, special self only discover what it was they were really after when you lose it and they no longer care to see you anymore. You wish you could take back all the times you blew them off, being confident that they are hooked on you forever.
While it is liberating to own yourself and to make a quiet place to exercise your preferences, turn on your charm when someone else is spending their own precious time in the same space as you are in. You matter exactly the fraction of the people you are with. So if you are in a group of 5, your preferences matter 1/5, just like the rest. If you are in a group of 1000, well, do the math. If you try to take more, just ask yourself what you think of other people who try to do that.
Warning: You never know for sure that people are talking about you behind your back. One of the most common games is that a seemingly neutral and likeable person will tell you that someone is telling stories about you, then will go to that person and tell her the same thing about you, then next time you see each other, you both have a chip on your shoulder and that nasty look and snub looks to each of you like the other really was talking about you, but the truth is, often, that they weren’t except for their reaction to the manipulating, unsuspected person who fabricated the whole thing. It’s hard to confront someone and tell them, “So and so told me that you were talking shit about me. Really? Is that true?” If you did do that, you would redirect your anger towards the culprit instead of letting him or her win, once again, at their creepy sociopath game and spare the nonsense grudges. I’m sorry, but if it was behind your back, there is NO way you could KNOW they actually did talk shit, or even if they did, that they weren’t responding to a lie they were just told about you. You can’t really go with your gut and your inability to think it’s possible– to guide you on this as being a valid fact.
I think the one about smiling takes the cake as a misguided conviction. The rest is just growing pains. You’ll slip out of those convictions soon enough. Enjoy the brief passage through youth. It’s fun up here too. I had fun in my 30s and the 40s were a blast, but the most meaningful time so far has been my 50s. I’m 55 and I am delighted to observe the youth and the elderly. Such richness people provide to life! You are going to be good your whole life, so be nicer and more resilient to ugliness, and stay charming and smart as a whip. I hope you don’t mind my candidness… probably going through growing pains again myself. I think that the very very wise would tell you that this is not where your energy should be spent. There is no reason to spend any thought or time on making sure you don’t do , or do do any of these things. Keep them to yourself, don’t be so offended, and be good company. And only put energy into being good company when it is with people you resolved to hate. The rest just happens without thinking about it. Amen.
PS. I just flew 1500 miles to see a dear friend only to spend an entire week listening to how perfect her toughts and opinions are, how much hotter she is than me, (not… neither one of us is hot, but we are at the top of the scale for people between 45 and 55, like it matters) and how much she doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. She’s 48. It was the ugliest display of rottenness I ever experienced and I have a hard time having any respect for her or desire to see her until she grows up. We’ve been close for 30 years and I never would have predicted this display of grotesqueness from her. Makes me wonder what happened to disable her amazing personality that I know and love, but she didn’t have anything to do with questions. Just convictions that didn’t appear to be necessary.Yuk. No thank you. I couldn’t give a fuck less what she doesn’t give a fuck about. It’s not the 30s that are changing you, its life happening to you at the expected milestones.