If I’ve learned anything throughout my entire existence, it is that being a disaster is an art form. Sure, some people have their less than honorable moments, but being a certifiable, catastrophic failure of a human is an entirely separate entity. People, namely parents, bosses, and other functioning adults often disapprove of the hot mess lifestyle, but some find being unable to get your shit together endearing.
Every friend group has the Token Hot Mess, a title I’ve proudly held for at least 20 years, and running. I am pretty sure I was the fuck up of my friend group back up in the sandbox days, before any of us even know how to properly employ terms such as “fuck up” and “tragic” and “dying alone.” I learned long ago that being the Token Hot Mess is a title to be held with pride and reverence, and a title that will inevitably prepare you for a number of things that will occur when you are the Hot Mess in your group of friends.
1. Nobody Expects You To Make Plans
Since you can barely keep your own life together, how can you be expected to successfully plan any type of gathering for multiple people? Some are offended by this, but I welcome the lack of responsibility. You’re never required to make a reservation or pick a bar. Your friends are just happy with you for showing up in (relatively) one piece.
2. You Come With a Disclaimer
You can’t meet friends of friends without first being told, “Okay, these are people I work with, so PLEASE try to keep it under control.” Your friends always find a need to clarify where they know you from as if that can mollify fears your inexcusable behavior may somehow reflect on your friends. “This is my friend Alex. We became friends BACK IN COLLEGE.” Whatever.
3. People Are Afraid to Introduce You To ANYONE
I was recently told, “If you’re going to send this e-mail, you need to be professional…you can’t just BE YOURSELF, okay?” I know there’s a time and place for jokes (and that is always and everywhere), but really, people will always find the need to incessantly remind you of your surroundings.
4. Dating is Nearly IMPOSSIBLE
Apparently, it’s in “bad form” to drink three bottles of Sancerre and then try to go home with someone. It’s hard to get taken seriously as actual relationship material when the most stable relationship you’ve had in the past five years has been with a bottle of wine and Netflix.
5. You’re Never Expected to Babysit
Once your responsible friends get married and procreate, you’re NEVER pegged to watch their offspring for the occasional night out. Some people think this should serve as a wakeup call for you to look at your life and your choices, but I view it as a serious benefit. I’m sure Casey Anthony couldn’t have been too misguided; children are TERRIBLE.
6. You Become the Assumed Source of Entertainment
When people lead boring lives, they expect you to bring fun into theirs. Your pain becomes entertainment for your friends. Oh, your friend had a bad week? Just tell them a story about how you fell on your face walking into the train and almost landed on a homeless guys crotch. HAHAHAHA.
7. Nobody Bothers Worrying About You
There’s a good chance you’ve lost your phone, spilled wine on your computer and thus rendered it inoperable. Somehow you passed out in a ditch somewhere, but you’re also probably fine. When anyone else goes missing from a party, people frantically call, text, and need to assume safety. When you go missing, your friends just assume they’ll see you in three days time.
8. People Just Assume You’re Drunk
Being a shitshow is TIRING. You can’t just be drunk all of the time, but people still tend to think you spend every waking hour boozing. When you tell friends you’re coming to visit, they feel the need to buy every bottle of vodka within a 20 mile radius. Whenever friends see you at a party, they assume you’re the most blacked out one there…even though it’s only 7:30 PM, and you’re actually just there for the food.
9. Miscellaneous Injuries Will Always Occur
Forget looking ravishing in your bridesmaid dress, because somehow you’ve accumulated 25 bruises on your arms and legs from the last time you went out. You’ve given up on trying to get rid of the scar from the time you needed stitches after dropping a bottle of vodka on your foot in college. And you’ve resigned to realizing concealer is your best friend.
10. You Actually Stop Caring
Because life is more fun when people assume you’re a disaster, start celebrating the small things. Your socks match!? PEOPLE WILL BE SO PROUD! You’ve made it to work (almost) on time all week? Cause for celebration! Once you’ve accepted your hot mess status, everything else becomes a non-important reality. Own it.