We’ve all been there. Whether you’re having regular sex or not OR whether you have a significant other not, you have most definitely been in a situation where you jump to the conclusion that you are pregnant because your period has been MIA and you feel fat. I mean, it’s so easy to do right? Here are 10 thoughts you might have after you decide you are pregnant when you are most likely not.
1. I feel fat. I look fat. No, I look disgusting. How am I bloated? I don’t even have my period. *Steps on scale* Holy shit, I gained 3 pounds. How could this have happened? There’s only one answer: I MUST BE PREGNANT. Help.
2. How much is an abortion? Can I even afford an abortion? What about the abortion pill? I don’t really feel like having surgery. How does the surgery even work? How does the PILL work? Do I have to take time off of work for this? Have I even accrued enough time off yet to deal with this? ALSO, can I even get an abortion anymore? Like, what’s the cut off? Am I too far along for an abortion? How far along could I possibly be? I DON’T EVEN KNOW.
3. Am I too old to get an abortion? Like, should I even be thinking like this? I’m in my mid-20s. My parents had me in their mid-20s. Am I supposed to have a baby at this age if the opportunity presents itself? I’M SO POOR THOUGH. I can’t even take care of myself. Like, this could have been avoided if Plan B wasn’t so god damn expensive. 50 dollars?!!? No thanks. I’ve got rent to pay and booze to drink. See, totally not ready for a child… I am a child.
4. My life is over. My youth is fleeting. I just want to drink. You can’t drink when you’re pregnant though. Oh my god, I can’t be pregnant. I would have to stay in instead of going out… ALL. THE. TIME. I would have to spend money on a baby instead of on myself. THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING.
5. Should I tell the father? That is, if you even know who the father is.
6. Should I tell my mom? The horror.
7. What about my friends? How would I tell them that I CAN’T DRINK FOR 9 MONTHS? How would I tell the world I’M HAVING A CHILD? Like, if I have to give birth to this child, I couldn’t just disappear. I’d have to tell my friends, my co-workers, my social media family. Like, would I have to announce this on Facebook? I wonder how many likes the status would get. I like likes.
8. Also, how much is it going hurt to give birth? I have a high tolerance for pain (thanks Pure Barre), but I don’t think I’m ready for A HUMAN BEING TO COME SHOOTING OUT OF MY VAGINA. LIKE, WHO EVEN MADE THIS WHOLE PROCESS UP??? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?
9. Wait – calm down, you don’t even know if you’re pregnant yet. You might just be fat.
10. Okay, I guess I’ll take the test. *Takes test* Negative. How accurate is this shit though? I’m taking another. NEGATIVE AGAIN. Guess I’m not preggers. I really wanted an excuse for my disgusting weight gain, though. Guess I’m just a giant fat ass. Whatever. I should probably look into using those condom things next time.