I was very against writing a post on New Year’s Resolutions because, well, I hate New Year’s Resolutions. However, after noticing that almost every other site was providing you with some “resolution ideas,” I thought to myself what better way to write my last blog post of 2011 than to shit on something I don’t like (that’s basically what I have done every day of this year anyway).

I never make New Years’ Resolutions because if I decide I need to make a change, I make it right away. I don’t wait until January 1st (or 2nd – because let’s be real – Jan 1st is still a holiday) to make a change. For instance, if you decide you need to lose weight on December 15th, you should start losing weight right then. If you pig out, avoid the gym, and drink your face off for the next 3 weeks you will gain weight and therefore have more weight to lose as of January 2nd. And once you lose the weight gained during your pig out session before the “diet,” you will most likely slowly start getting back into your unhealthy ways and weigh the same as you did on December 15th for the rest of the year.

Another example is the people who start frequenting the gym on January 2nd that you’ve never seen before. During this time, the gym is packed. For those of us who used to have no trouble getting a treadmill, we now have to wait in line. Soon enough, the crowds at the gym begin to die down come February… and they die down even more come March. This is because no one keeps a damn New Year’s Resolution.

Okay, so not everyone is like this – I know. There are probably some people out there who actually make New Year’s Resolutions and keep them throughout the 12 months of the year. And to those people – I applaud you. But for everyone else, you should be more like those people.

Since it is the last day of the year, I know most of you are ready to get rage blackout tonight and then “be a better person tomorrow so you can have a better year” (ha). So as a New Year’s gift, I am going to leave you with 10 resolutions that can go horribly wrong and ways to make them better/keep them throughout the entire year if possible. Enjoy!

1. Lose weight. Everyone always wants to lose weight – guys and girls. So of course when most people think of a “New Year’s resolution,” they think of losing weight. As I said before, in this situation, if you really want to lose weight, do not gain weight during the holidays. Sure, you’re going to be eating gross foods at work, at home, and at parties… And it’s fine to not stay on a 100% healthy diet during the holidays. But whatever you do, do not go on an unhealthy eating/drinking/laziness binge because you know you’re going to start a crazy diet come January. If you do this, you will gain more weight to lose forcing your diet to most likely fail… and you will not have prepared you body for what is to come in 2012.

2. Go to the gym (more). Some people say they will go to the gym more in 2012. Others say they will go to the gym (period). For people who already have a gym membership and already go to the gym on a regular basis, it is fine to say you will go to the gym more after the holidays. You’ve probably been very busy with work, holiday parties, holiday shopping, vacations, and family to work out as much as you’d like… so come post-holiday season, you will be sure to tear it up on the treadmill more often. However, for the people who don’t work out at all, when you realize you need to work out – you should start right then. If you really want to be one of those people who purchase a membership January 2nd, fine. But at least go for walks outside before you begin your new exercise regiment. Don’t binge on laziness for the few weeks prior. And one more thing, don’t think of your new exercise plan as a “resolution.” Think of it as a lifestyle change. You won’t know what you did without the gym once you get in the gym routine.

3. Be nicer to people. This one always kills me. If you have to make a resolution to be nicer to people, you obviously aren’t a nice person to begin with… so why pretend? This one has no hope for lasting 12 months, unless your resolution was actually to be completely fake and unlike yourself for 12 months. If people don’t like your attitude, f*ck em. But don’t pretend to be someone you’re not… It won’t last.

4. Stop talking about people behind their backs. If you’re a girl, you don’t stand a chance. If you’re a guy, you also don’t stand a chance because you will never even think about making this resolution because you don’t even know you talk about people behind their backs. So basically, this resolution sucks. Once you start you just can’t stop. Also, if you keep everything bottled up inside, you will definitely burst come February.

5. Stop drinking. This is dumb. You are a twenty something. You are in your prime. Well actually, I think our prime was in college, but we can still pretend. Anyway, don’t give up drinking unless you are 1. very allergic to it, 2. an alcoholic, 3. sick, or 4. trying to lose weight and only want to give it up for like a month or two (FYI: that would mean this is no longer considered a resolution). The legal drinking age is at the beginning of your twenties. So enjoy your youth before you turn 30 and it goes away.

6. Find a significant other. You can’t make this a resolution. You just can’t. If you do, and you start looking for love, you will most likely not find it. It will happen when it happens. What you CAN do is make a profile on match.com, eharmony, or jdate for the Jews and seek people seeking you. Everyone knows once you graduate from college it is extremely hard to find someone. You don’t want to go on a date with a random from the bar… You can’t mix work with your personal life… And you aren’t into any of your friends’ friends’ friends… So it’s hard. And it will happen when it happens… but in the meantime – online dating is the way to go.

7. Save money. This is a great resolution, but will most likely go horribly wrong if you are like 99% of twenty somethings. You have way too many expenses, yet you still want to have a good time. The problem: In order to save money, you will have to give up a lot of the good times. And who wants to give up good times? Once you realized you needed to save money, you should have started doing so. However, it’s not too late to start. In order to make this resolution last, start slow. Budget your money. You might have to give up some good times here and there… but you shouldn’t start saving way too much and giving up too much – because if you do that, you will cave and spend all your savings at once!

8. Get a new job. You shouldn’t make your resolution to “GET” a new job. If you must, make it to “LOOK” for a new job. Just like finding a significant other, it will happen when it happens. If you really want a new job, start applying now. Work on your resume. But don’t make this your resolution. It will only lead to depression when/if you don’t get a new job. It’s a tough economy out there. Keep your head up and be optimistic – but don’t say you’re going to do something that you have no control of doing.

9. Manage stress. This obviously can go horribly wrong if you get stressed from managing your stress. If you’re always stressed out, you probably need to seek help from a professional. But if you’re stressed out due to your job/current life events, make a resolution to be more laid back. Don’t put more stress on yourself to manage your stress. Just calm down and live your life. You are in your twenties. It shouldn’t be that hard.

10. Don’t stalk people on Facebook. If you make this a resolution, you will constantly think about NOT stalking people. Before, you were browsing Facebook, clicking on randos’ pages. But now before you click that person’s name, you have to think twice because you made a resolution not to. This resolution can blow up in your face when you continue to think about and wonder what you are missing by not clicking on a person’s name. Unfortunately, our generation is screwed, as we grew up in the age of the Stalker. The best you’re going to do is to not think about it. And not go on Facebook as much. If you make this a resolution, you will drive yourself crazy thinking about NOT stalking – when you never thought of stalking in the first place.

Talk about creep status...

Did you decide to make a New Year’s resolution? If so, what is it? If I had to make a New Year’s resolution, I guess it would be to write more for Forever Twenty Somethings… 🙂


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.