There is only one day a year where  Americans sit down in front the biggest TV they can find and all watch the same thing: Super Bowl Sunday.

Not only do NBCs’ ratings sky rocket on this day, but one region in the country is crowned champions for the next 12 months. Sure football is a sport, and not everyone enjoys watching sports… but it’s not JUST a sport (not to us Americans at least). It’s a way of life. And as pathetic as it sounds, without it, we would actually be lost. I mean the only reason people look forward to Fall is because that is when football season begins… No one actually becomes giddy when the leaves change from green to red (‘oooo fall foliage! that means it’s football season!’).

From August (pre-season) to the end of Jan or beginning of Feb (the Superbowl) our Sundays revolve around football – whether we’re watching or not. Games are on all day long. Every man is watching – and if they’re not, all their friends are. Every girl is either watching because they actually enjoy football or watching because the guys are… or are not watching, and have no one to hang out with because everyone else is.

Football isn’t just a Sunday thing. It’s on basically every day of the week. You’ve got Monday Night Football. You’ve got college football pretty much every day of the week. And you’ve got holiday football – meaning the fam is going to be glued to the TV all day long (so if you have a small TV, there is no chance you’ll be hosting).


But whether or not you watched or went to any regular season games… or whether or not the team you root for is in the big game this year… everyone watches the Super Bowl. It’s almost cult like. Food is everywhere. It’s like Thanksgiving on crack. There is no healthy food (such as salads… and turkey) anywhere. It’s all beer, wings, buff chick dip, nachos, pizza, pigs in a blanket, and red bull vodkas for the girl who can’t eat gluten (me). Some people only engage in Super Bowl festivities for the food. It’s kind of gross, but accepted, as this America – the land of the obese.

Don’t like to eat? Don’t like sports? Well, have no fear. You’ve got a HALFTIME SHOW. The halftime show used to be really cool until Janet Jackson had a nip slip… then it got really strict, boring, and featured horrid performances by artists such as The Black Eyed Peas. This year, long lost Madonna will to be taking the stage and performing a song from each of her famed decades (apparently that’s still going on). Madonna came out of the woodworks at the Golden Globes this year, where she showed the world that she was still around and still looked 25. Now, she will be on stage with Nicki Minaj and apparently M.I.A. (this got leaked, duh). So if you don’t like football, I’m sure you will like this. And if you do like football, hopefully you will like it too… and if not, just hope for another nip slip or something as exciting.

People also watch the Super Bowl for “the commercials.” Yes – that’s right – advertisements. I guess commercials can be funny – but if we’re being completely serious, they are no Curb Your Enthusiasm. They are no Modern Family. People pay a ridiculous amount of money to have ads shown during the Superbowl. And yes – the entire country is probably going to watch… BUT, we’re not going to buy anything. We’re poor. The economy sucks. Bad idea. Let’s just watch some FBALL.

So yeah, back to football. Whoever wins the game brings victory AND A PARADE to their entire region. For the next 12 months, the region (and it’s fans around the country world) have ultimate bragging rights… and will most likely be hated on by everyone that is not a fan. This year’s game is obviously a rematch that needed to happen… or needed to not happen. It’s a game against one team no one likes except the people who live (or grew up) there… and a team no one likes except the people who live (or grew up) there: The New York Giants vs the New England Patriots.

So, you better start making that cheese dip and stocking up on those beers… Super Bowl Sunday is only 2 days away! May the best/luckiest team win. May you gain 20 pounds in one night. May you wake up with a horrendous hangover. And may you giggle at some horribly “awesome” commercials. Oh, and go _____! Sorry, I won’t say who I’m rooting for on a public blog. It’s, like, a superstitious thing…


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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