You Know You’re 25 When…

This past weekend, I was sitting on a couch drinking wine when my friend exclaimed, “Wow. We look like such 25 year olds.”

I looked down at my outfit. Black pants. Black flats. A tank top blouse I got from TJ Maxx. I sure did look 25. I had worn that same outfit to work that day. I didn’t even bother to change.. but like, why would I? My crazy plans for the evening were going to a friend’s apartment to drink a bottle of pinot. But, like, when did I start calling that plans? A couple years ago – okay, maybe last year – I would have called that “staying in,” but now whenever I leave my house – even if I’m in sweats – I consider it “going out.” It’s not okay.

But don’t worry. I’m not like toooo boring yet. In the entirety of the rest of my weekend, my phone was stolen, my license ended up at a Holiday Inn Express, I got a ride home – for free – in the back of a cop car and convinced the officer to turn on the lights (it was very Superbad… he even said “have a good night” into the loudspeaker while driving away), and then my friends and I blew a fuse in my apartment complex while trying to grill on my roof deck with 2 George Foremans and now I have to use the flashlight app on my phone while walking down the hall.

BUT ANYWAY… there’s nothing I can do about being 25. It’s here and it’s not going to change… until I turn 26. And unfortunately, you can’t LITERALLY get any younger. Here are 15 signs that you are no longer 21, 22, 23, or 24… and that you are 25 (or older):

1. You wear the same clothes you wear to work when going out. This is when you KNOW.

2. You have at least one friend (or acquaintance) who is engaged. Like someone your age could afford a ring. People know who they want to be with for the rest of their lives already. HOW?

3. When watching sports, you often pause and reflect on the fact that you are older than, like, half of the athletes.

4. People have graduated from college who were not even in college when you were in college. Wait, what?

5. You love brunch. But it goes right to your hips.

6. You consider a night on your friend’s couch “going out.” You left YOUR couch. You’re out.

7. You do not have time for hangovers, yet the only way you can avoid them now is by not drinking… which you’re not going to do. You’re only 25 dammit.

8. You are like so totally done with college-style apartments. You need to move into a better area. You need to live in a real apartment. The problem: you can’t afford one. *Weeping in a corner, brb*

9. You can count the number of people you still talk to from college on a regular basis on your fingers. Where did they all go?

10. The thought of making plans on a weekday night makes you cringe. You want me to leave my couch? And stay up late? And pay for drinks? On a weekday?! But I have work tomorrow!

11. You’re not sure if it’s okay to enjoy listening to pop music. Especially very loudly with your windows rolled down while sitting at red lights. And you’ve actually wondered when it will really NOT be okay. Like when will you be looked at like you’re trying to be a cool mom and not a regular mom for listening to 5 Seconds of Summer and Iggy Azalea?

12. You’re not the youngest person in the office anymore, but you’re also not one of the “old people,” so it’s kinda awk. Who do you hang out with? You’re not sure. Is it okay that you went to an EDM concert this weekend? Do you keep that to yourself?

13. The thought of buying a condo/apt/house is real. Some of you may have purchased one already… And the rest are just wondering HOW THE FUCK they will ever save enough money to buy, like, a new computer never mind a fucking house.

14. Sometimes you learn what certain abbreves mean or how to do things on your iPhone from someone younger than you, because apparently you’re not “all up on that stuff” anymore.

15. You sometimes have to take a minute, sit on the couch, put on Elton John, and shut your eyes to get away from your REALLY FUCKING STRESSFUL LIFE… oh that’s just me? Nevermind…

At this age I feel like I am constantly in a war with reality. Part of me wants to live inside of Home Goods and max out my credit card at Bed Bath and Beyond, and the other part of me is like YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME MONEY. I also have this terrible problem where I cannot say “no,” so I’m constantly going out and spending money I don’t have. Like the word “no” just isn’t in my vocabulary.

Anyway, I hate 25. Everything about this age literally contributes to my quarter life crisis. Someone wake me up when my life is figured out. Thanks.