Your wedding day is finally here and it’s gong to be the fastest day of your life. Buckle up.

The Morning Of 

Expectation: You wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. You had the best sleep of your life. The sun is shining and it’s perfectly 75 degrees outside. You are the definition of beauty sleep. Your hair has an amazing amount of volume and your lips are so un-chapped you should be in a print ad for L’Oreal. You are as cool as a cucumber.


Reality: You didn’t sleep, a wink. Let’s be honest, you slept in an uncomfortable hotel bed with four of your bridesmaids. One passed out at 9pm, one snored all night, and one talked all night because she had one too many glasses of pinot noir.  The bags under your eyes are too legit to quit. The only thing that would be cool right now is if you had sliced cucumbers to put on your rather puffy eyelids. You’re anxious, tired and excited, all at the same time. It’s a weird feeling and you aren’t really sure how to deal with it. You’re starving.


Hair and Makeup

Expectation: Within minutes you turned into an absolute bombshell. You aren’t worried at all about the outcome because everything looked perfect during your trial. Your makeup artist doesn’t have to put pounds of make up on you because you look flawless as it is and there are absolutely no blemishes to cover up.


Reality: You are anxious and have been sitting in a chair for an hour and a half, you do the math. Everyone can see what you look like except you and you pretend that you are okay with it. After changing how you wanted your hair and makeup to look at the last second, you finally see yourself in the mirror and you absolute love everything about it. Thank God! You struggle not to touch your face and/or hair for the next three hours. The struggle is real. You’re still starving.



Expectation: You pose like a seasoned model and look absolutely gorgeous in ever shot. You are an absolute natural and there is nothing awkward about your facial expression or limbs. You hardly need any direction from the photographer. The lighting is beyond flattering and you look remarkably lean in each and every photo. The only reason the photographer stops taking pictures of you is because you move her to tears because you are that on point. A butterfly lands on your hand and you look like an ethereal fairy bride.


Reality: You’re awkward. Very awkward. You laugh a lot and shimmy even more. Yes, that’s right you shimmy, you shimmy away your nerves between each and every shot. You awkwardly hold onto your man like its the first date. You try to smile without looking like you should be on the cover of the coffee table book “Awkward Family Photos”. You think you have mastered the toothless smile but you really just look like you trying to hold in a questionable fart. You’re stiff, so you try to shimmy away your stiffness. You are doing a lot of shimmying but it seems to be working so you keep it up.


The Ceremony

Expectation: The birds are chirping and there isn’t a cloud in the sky. The music you picked for your processional works seamlessly. Your rehearsal the night before went without a hitch. You walk towards the altar as if you are floating on clouds. Your vows bring everyone to tears including your husband. The officiant speaks eloquently and your MOH speaks with passion. Your ceremony makes your guests all feel the deepest form of love they have ever felt before. Your first kiss as man and wife happens in slow motion.


Reality: Your bridal party floats down the aisle with such grace. You anxiously await your bridal processional song and are beginning to get nervous that the DJ isn’t going to play it. Eventually, he does and you begin walking towards the ceremony site, except you have to stop three time because the lace of your dress keeps getting stuck to the embellishment of your uncomfortable shoes. You never rehearsed the ceremony the night before and you have no idea what your officiant aka close friend is going to say. You awkwardly forget to hand your bouquet off to your MOH and hold it the entire time. Your vows are heartfelt but you don’t cry and neither does your husband. Your first kiss as man and wife is a fast peck on the lips because you are trying so hard to keep it G rated for the grandparents.


The Reception

Expectation: You are enjoying every minute of your six hour reception. It happens just slow enough for you to savor each and every moment. You are stuffed after dinner. Everyone is dancing up a storm and you have the perfect buzz. Your feet don’t hurt one bit and your dress fits perfectly. You are so eager and happy to take pictures with each and every one of your guests.


Reality: Six hours has never gone by so fast in your life. You are starving and sober as Judge Judy. Your feet are throbbing, they legit have developed their own heartbeat. Your dress is heavy and is weighing down hard on your shoulders. You are sick of smiling for pictures and you still don’t understand how you aren’t drunk. The dance floor slowly dwindles and you worry if all your guests are having a good time. Before you know it, the DJ is playing the last song of the night, and then its over. Just like that.


Consummating The Wedding

Expectation: It’s the most mind-blowing sex of your life and you feel so unbelievably connected to your man.


Reality: You are so tired and therefore, sex is not even on the menu. You pass out fully clothed before you can even think about foreplay.


The Long Story Short

Despite your reality not quite matching your expectations, your wedding is the best day of your life. You are so unbelievably happy and wish you could relive it every weekend of your life from here on out. Prepare yourself for some serious post-wedding depression. It comes hard and it comes fast.


Erin Jean is a Boston based smart mouth who lives in suburbia with her kick-ass husband, yes you read that correctly, I'm a married woman, people! She graduated from Endicott College in 2010 with a degree in Contemporary Journalism. She loves tattoos, writing, and slush (it’s an addiction people). When she is not working for the man, she is riding on the back of motorcycles, online shopping, and reminiscing about her younger years. A typical week consists of watching too much Bad Girls Club, mentally preparing for a zombie apocalypse, and trying to get a body like Mila Kunis (please insert laughter here). Feel free to stalk her life via pictures @mrsbadnews13 or on twitter @erinlissa

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