Having a baby changes everything, or so I’ve heard.  I wouldn’t know what it’s like to nurture a young life and mind, unless you’re counting the beta fish I shared joint custody of with my ex-boyfriend (RIP Sushi).  I think it’s inspiring to see people who used to be party animals settle down and turn their lives around in order to raise an infant.  It’s almost admirable, even.

Nothing warms my non-existent heart more than seeing a happy family who has devoted their entire lives to their newborn, much like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.  Since Kim gave birth to North West (the person, not the compass direction, just so we’re clear) five months ago, she’s been paying attention to her newborn 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.

That is, you know, unless you choose not to count all the times Kim and Yeezus have left North West the Person with a nanny so they can jet off to Paris for fashion week, or so they can go party, or whatever.

Truly selfless acts by two truly selfless people.

Sometimes, Kim will Instagram a picture of North West the Person so she can remember what her spawn looks like, which I guess is sweet.  I do the same things with my friends’ kids.

This past week, Kim and ‘Ye hit the peak of their absolutely incendiary display of parenting while leaving North West the Person with a nanny and going out to party with the most well reputed celebrity in Hollywood – Lindsay Lohan.

Do you see those faces?  Those are clearly the faces of a couple who is so distraught over being away from their child they can’t even smile for a picture.

Just kidding.  Kanye has his usual d-bag expression, and Kim is trying and failing at smizing.  Nothing new here.  I actually can’t tell a difference between this photo and a picture of the pair from last December, which was right around the time Kanye announced he had knocked Kimmy up at once of his concerts.

Try as I might, I just can’t like Kimye, and trust me, I want to, because I used to think Kanye was my only ally in the war I’m waging against Taylor Swift.  Not only are they terrible people, but they’re terrible parents.  I understand Hollywood isn’t the real world, and nannies exist, but how the hell could any mother be okay with being more concerned with attending concerts and parties than staying home with her first born?

Then again, maybe it’s for the best she leaves North West the Person in the care of a nanny.  I’m still not over that time she left Mercy the Kitten at a club in Miami.

You know you’re doing parenting wrong when SNOOKI is a better and more present mother than you, Kimmy.


After graduating from Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizadry, and realizing her degree in The History of Magic was hardly applicable in any employable realm, Alex decided to stop doing acid and actually get a BA in English. A comedy writer living in Brooklyn, NY, Alex enjoys stalking ex-boyfriends, drinking coffee, plotting ways to meet Suri Cruise, and drinking cheap wine out of an over priced Crate and Barrel glass. Follow her on Twitter if you're entertained by hot messes @Alex_Engelbert.

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